We're better, connected

 You are not a human being in search of a spiritual experience. You are a spiritual being immersed in a human experience. Teilhard de Chardin

In my second post I referred to four areas of life that we try to balance in order to live the good life:

• Physical – nourishment, exercise, rest
• Emotional – Giving and receiving love
• Social – Relationships that allow for trust, sharing and fun
• Rational – time to pursue knowledge, reflect, express and create

A friend provoked me to come back to my thoughts on this and that I had said that perhaps Aristotle has missed something. It has taken me a while to do so because I am not convinced that I was right before, but it has left me pondering ideas about spirituality and where this fits within these four areas.

For me, the term spirituality seems to have lost its meaning – there are those that shy away from the religious overtones and those who are reluctant to embrace wiffly-waffly hippy gobbledygook.

Having spent time last week considering what it means to have identity I have concluded that we have two fundamental needs; to belong and to have value. All other philosophical questions stem from these two needs. Whether we consider ourselves to be philosophical or not, we are driven to find responses to these two needs. The ancient Greek philosophers put the highest value on reason. Plato thought we should be governed by Philosophical Kings and in the current political climate this doesn’t sound like a bad idea – having leaders who think before they speak and act! However this is also quite an elitist point of view. Not everyone can be a philosopher (perhaps that is their point) but high value was given to contemplation by both and that is something everyone can do.

It seems to me that when we look around that is exactly what people are looking for; the rise in interest in activities like mindfulness, meditation, yoga and the like are all signs that people recognise a need to go beyond themselves and the daily routine of life. People shy away from the term ‘religious’ and with good reason – religious people are either portrayed as dried up, fusty, old fashioned people or extremists who will go to any lengths to get their message across. The truth is much more complicated than that.  The origins of the spiritual activities listed above are interwoven in religion.

This week I have been considering how to put into words ideas about spirituality and religion without using those terms as they seem so fraught with stereotypes and assumptions. If we have the need to belong and to find value I believe that finding sources for those needs are spiritual activities because at the core of these needs is the truth that we are connected. There are obvious ways in which we are connected to individuals; through blood, love, friendship. Our connectedness is broader still which is why it makes a difference when a stranger smiles at you, when you share something amusing just with your eyes on the train. Our connectedness extends beyond ourselves to the natural world which is why the smell of the sea or the wind in your hair, the sight of a beautiful sunset or the flame coloured autumn leaves evokes emotions, stirs something internally, lifts our spirit. It doesn’t have to, and I guess all too often it doesn’t. We walk around so preoccupied with our thoughts we miss these connections with others and the world around us.

For me there is a final piece to the connection puzzle and that is being connected to the ‘Connector’. There are definitely ways that I can look for ways in which to belong and find value that ultimately will leave me disconnected and alone, so I need a context for my connection and for me that is the one who put it all in place in the beginning.  For in him we live and move and have our being. (Acts 17:28)

So is O2 right, is ‘A more connected world a better world’?

Are belonging and value our deepest desires?

What does spirituality mean to you?

Be kind to yourself

I’m giving a talk to a group of teenagers next week about identity and sexuality – a big subject! As I have sifted through my research, I have come to the conclusion that the one big thing I want them to go away with is – ‘be yourself and be kind.’ This is probably a big ask for them. There are so many pressures on them to conform to whatever the societal standard is, to give themselves a label all in the midst of hormones, exams and probably a hundred other complicated situations and decisions.

But it’s not just teenagers that need to know it’s ok to be themselves, to be kind to themselves and one another - we need it too. There are the pressures on all of us to fulfil the milestones: find the perfect career, the house, the partner, have kids, be financially secure… and within each of those areas are probably other areas of pressure that can cause anxiety and depression.

Even today some of my friends are making a stand against being questioned about decisions in their lives that they feel are private ones. No one wants to be asked when they’re going to settle down or have kids or buy a house. The truth is that we can only be who we are right now. So much external pressure comes from questioning our futures, and really this is out of our control.

On Monday I will be standing in front of over 100 teenagers who will be feeling the pressure to be in a relationship, to text someone a private image of themselves, to identify their sexual orientation, to find their value. I really want them to learn that it is ok to be who they are right now, to be kind with themselves about the issues and questions that they find confusing and to find someone safe that they can talk to. Maybe the particular pressures change slightly as we get older but maybe we still need the same advice.

Sainsbury’s have their ‘Be good to yourself’ range encouraging us to eat things that will nourish our bodies but I think that nourishing our souls (if you don’t like that word, then who you essentially are) is equally important. I wonder how often we do that. I wonder how often we let ourselves off the hook. Rather than trying to rush forwards, I want to focus on ways in which to be more me, right now.

When did you last tell yourself ‘well done’ for something you achieved? Our inner voice is often so negative – you wouldn’t say those things to your friend, why do you tell yourself ‘you’re having a bad hair day’ ‘You can’t do that!’ ‘Your bum definitely looks big in that!’ It’s difficult to be good to ourselves. Perhaps we think it is overly sentimental, too ‘American’ or too arrogant to say good things to ourselves. But the sad thing is many of us have spent a long time soaking up the negative views of others and believing that somehow we are not good enough.

Do not conform but be transformed – we buy into the media hype, the cultural lies and find ourselves drowning in ‘shoulds’, ‘oughts’ and ‘what ifs’ – the alternative is scary, cos the alternative is saying “No” and doing life a different way. It takes courage to go a different way, it takes a change of perspective to let things go and try again, it takes perseverance to believe things will get better. 

 

What pressures are you under to conform?

What words of encouragement could you say to yourself?

What activity would be a kind act to yourself?

Dear Friend...

   

                                                                                         

One of the massive benefits of not having a 9 – 5 job anymore is being freer to catch up with friends. Some of these catch-ups have become regular events in my diary and I am greatly appreciating sharing my life with these special people in a way that was not possible previously.

During some of these encounters I have wanted to say more, share more deeply but somehow the face-to-faceness of it all has held me back. I have been reminded that I felt similarly at school and my best friend and I used to write to each other on a daily basis after school. Although we would spend time at school together, both of us found it easier to share the more personal stuff on paper. I can recall the anticipation of waiting to read her next instalment. I still have those letters – there are folders of them. I was reading something recently about photos being the possession that people would save from a fire, I would have to add letters to that. My husband thinks it odd that I save my letters and cards in shoeboxes and perhaps it is a little sentimental but the re-reading of these communications creates immediate memories and when I tried to get rid of some recently, I found myself both laughing and crying at accounts of my sister’s life in Nepal and missing what now feels like simpler times as I re-read notes of jokes from 6^th form days. I couldn’t get rid of one – there is plenty of room in the garage!

A letter is so much more than the words on the page because something more tangible is being exchanged. You end up holding the paper that they handled. A piece of their world has entered yours and you get to keep it.

Perhaps I will be sounding old as I post this but in an age of technological communication I believe to lose letter writing is to lose something precious. I was a little surprised to find that there are books written on the topic of writing letters, one of which by J Willis Westlake dates back to 1876. Within its pages he describes rules on composition, what to do with mistakes (re-write the entire letter, of course) and even advice on what kind of paper and ink to use. Whilst I think some of his details and rules are superfluous the act itself provides a treasure for the moment it is received but also if kept for years to come. Westlake himself says ‘There is no other kind of writing that possesses for us such a living human interest, as letters, for there is no other that comes so near to the private lives, ‘to the business and bosoms’ of the writers.’

My sister has so impressed me with her letter writing. She wrote to me regularly whilst she and her family were overseas and now she writes weekly to her sons, both of whom are now at university. So perhaps with the season of Christmas approaching now is a good time to reconnect with the art of letter writing and perhaps deepen some relationships as a result. I’m sure it will do me good to reflect on the special people in my life and maybe some goodness will find its way into an envelope.

‘A good handwritten letter is a creative act, and not just because it is a visual and tactile pleasure. It is a deliberate act of exposure, a form of vulnerability, because handwriting opens a window on the soul in a way that cyber communication can never do. You savor their arrival and later take care to place them in a box for safe keeping.’ (Catherine Field, writing for the New York Times)

  

No questions this week – just an encouragement to put pen to paper. If a letter feels too daunting, start with a card!

Elementary, my dear Watson

This week I have been totally preoccupied by our new kitten, Watson. He has thrown my whole routine out and after taking up residence in the room where I write has quickly found a place in my heart too.

He is nine weeks old today and has experienced a steep learning curve; separation from his family, two new strange humans and a whole new environment to explore.

Upon arrival he was understandably nervous and responded to new sights and sounds by arching his back and the occasional hiss. This would be followed by an unbalanced skittish walk to his place of safety (between the desk and the skirting board). Although this was amusing, it was also frustrating. I wanted so much to be able to explain to him that he did not need to be afraid. Over the past few days he has been slowly learning that we are safe. Now when we come to see him he runs to meet us at the door. New objects, especially ping-pong balls, are still things that cause him concern, but he is beginning to look to us for reassurance.

I have been pondering the learning process of a kitten, my friend’s toddler and a polyglot – Richard Simcott. Richard Simcott has learnt over 30 languages. He regularly speaks in 5 different languages at home and uses more in his job as Languages Director at Emoderation Ltd. Although he started learning languages at school they continue to fascinate him and at 36 he is still adding new languages to his collection. He regularly speaks and has his own blog encouraging people to learn new languages.

At school we were taught, French, German and Latin and I didn’t feel that I did very well at any of them; although I loved the ancient history stuff that we covered in Latin. I seem to remember being taught that if you didn’t get languages at school then there was no real hope for you as an adult learner. Dr Kathleen Taylor states “The brain is plastic and continues to change, not in getting bigger but allowing for greater complexity and understanding.” So we have the capacity but it seems our adult brains are often underused. Many people feel they have learnt enough and become experts in their field, for others it is just too scary to learn something new.

Fear is a barrier to adults learning something new. Adults are generally much more concerned with getting it right first time and over-thinking the process. As a child, we would repeat the action till we got it wrong, then we would be encouraged to pick ourselves up and start again. If we fell off the bike, it didn’t mean we could not ride a bike, it simply meant we needed to practise more. We don’t often apply this same principle as adults, getting it wrong = failure and we translate this to mean that we are no good at said activity. It is a good job we do not teach this to children or they would never learn to walk, talk or use the toilet! It seems to make sense to try a more child-like approach to learning – try till you fail, then try again, have fun while you’re doing it and celebrate the success.

 

As a teacher I discovered a love of learning and knew I wanted to use more of my time to develop new skills. Since leaving teaching I have started a creative writing course, I am using an app to learn Italian and in response to some family health issues I am broadening my recipe repertoire and cooking outside of my comfort zone. I’ve realised too that learning is bigger than this, it is not just a stage of life but I believe something that makes up ‘the good life.’ It opens new doors, encourages new relationships, it keeps us flexible and deepens our understanding of the world and others.

What are you learning or would you like to learn?

What holds you back from learning new things?