A Good Four Letter Word

Before moving house, I had reached a stage in writing and public speaking that meant there were lots of potential avenues to explore, but I was finding it hard to know where to focus my time and attention. A common piece of advice to writers and entrepreneurs is to find a coach or mentor. Initially I rejected the idea. The cost and not knowing how to find the right person put me off.

I didn’t ask for help.

I recently found myself discussing the new church we’ve been attending with a couple who have been part of it for the last year. I had some questions about how things are done and found myself saying ‘I suppose it’s okay to ask, we’re still new’ the response was one of surprise ‘Of course it’s okay to ask, it’s always good to ask questions.’

I know this, I’ve written about the importance of staying curious and questioning people and life in general. But this comment of mine led me to acknowledge that I have a reticence to ask questions that imply I need help or that I don’t fully understand. 

Asking for help can feel like failing. Feelings of pride, indebtedness and fear prevent us from removing the obstacles progress. As children we are encouraged to ask for help. At some point, maybe as we strive for independence, the willingness to ask disappears. There’s a quiet voice that whispers ‘surely you should know that’ and the underlying fear that people will find out that we’re not as knowledgeable, skilled or talented as they thought. 

In order to grow and make progress, these fears must be faced.

It’s one thing to read a book or an article and quite another to speak to a person. This is a difficult post to write, as I’m still stuck, discovering this is a problem and making baby steps towards progress.

I’m very happy to ask for directions, confirmation that I am on the right train or even for someone to reach the rice that is stuck at the back of the top shelf in the supermarket.

It’s dreams, unnecessary goals that satisfy a yearning. This is when I struggle to ask for help. Perhaps it is the fear of criticism or ridicule that my helper with think the dream is unreachable or ridiculous.

Practice makes perfect, apparently. At least Aristotle would argue that repetition creates habit. So I will practise asking for help (even when perhaps I don’t need it).

I will recognise that when others ask for help they may be making requests wrapped in their precious, fragile dreams and I may have the privilege of helping them actualise it.

All that you can leave behind

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." - Heraclitus

There has been a lull in the production of posts. There has been a big change. It may have been interesting to note the process of this change, but much of this was gruelling and painful and I was concerned my writing may become grumpy at best and bitter if unchecked. All the while I would be knowing that ultimately there would be a positive outcome so why bother with the tediousness of the obstacles. I did not feel like I had much to say, only knowing that ‘this too would pass’ and to persevere through it all.

I have found new river, to use the illustration from the quotation. The process of selling up, buying somewhere new and occupying a new house is complete. On paper this seems a mechanical kind of procedure; clear actions to be taken, papers to be signed, literal items to be transferred from one place to another. The reality was an emotional squiggly mess.

In order to start again we have had to let things go; leave jobs, people and the familiar behind. I wrote a post back in December 2016 focused on letting go. One aspect of this was de-cluttering and getting rid of material things. I never imagined that in less than two years we would be moving from our ‘forever home’ to take up residence in a city far away. Once we had decided on a plan; a brand new start. The downsizing of our current life and de-cluttering began in earnest. I was surprised to discover, once the goal had been set, things that had seemed all-important at the time of purchase were now potential barriers to our goal.

Letting go became freeing; physically there was more space in our house, but there was also more space in our minds for what could be. Having moved in, we thought we had down-sized enough to fit in the space that was now less than half the size of our previous house, but still more had to go. The first places in our new area that we became most familiar with were the recycling centre and the location of our nearest charity shops!

The hardest leaving behind always involves people. This in itself felt strange; although we were saying goodbye we were not ending the relationships. Methods of communication are now so accessible and varied in some ways it felt wrong to say ‘goodbye’. We are also fortunate to be be in a place that has excellent transport links, so visits are definitely not out of the question. Still it is going to be different; the regular walks, chats over tea, spontaneous invites for dinner would be gone. This has re-opened the door to another form of communication; letter writing. One I extolled in a post back in November 2016 but have failed to keep up with. At one leaving event, a friend said ‘I’ll write to you, I’m good at writing letters’. It made me smile to receive the first letter in the post, just a week after we moved. It has encouraged me to put pen to paper, although using social media is my main method of keeping in touch.

Conversations with locals have reminded me that our beginning starts in someone else’s middle. We arrived after the start of the school year, so local pupils and students have already found their feet. We have arrived in the midst of everyone else’s journey. We are new. They are not.

Our move has created much space – not so much in our house, but in our minds. Our schedules now have room for many possibilities. We have been taking advantage of some of what this new city has to offer. To an extent, a move makes this inevitable, but it did strike me how willing are we to be open to a new beginning? How often do we miss serendipitous opportunities because we have convinced ourselves there is no time or our minds are closed to change? It is a challenge to stay in the present. To not look back at what has been left behind and not get caught up in future possibilities. Today is a new day; a new beginning. I am not the same man that walked through the river of yesterday. Regardless of where you are on life’s journey, will you allow yourself a new beginning and embrace the potential for change?