It’s really nearly Christmas! There’s still time though to
scurry around for the last gift or the extra roll of wrapping paper you were
sure you wouldn’t need. Presents seem to present an extra stress; some people
are so difficult to buy for, others just ask for money but it somehow feels
wrong just handing over an envelope rather than a wrapped gift.
One of the early chapters of the book I’ve been reading, (‘What
Matters Most?’ by Brian Draper), focuses on the art of being. As I’ve read it
on the run-up to Christmas it has caused me to consider the best present we can
give one another is our presence. It’s so easy to get caught up in the
activities of Christmas that we can miss being present with one another.
This isn’t just about turning up. It is an active seeking to
be there with the person or people. No phones, no gadgets, no distractions. An
emptying of oneself in order to see the fullness of the other person. It
requires me to let go of my agenda, of my need to be heard and seen and instead
to truly see you. That’s hard. So often insecurities surface, the need for
approval surpasses my ability to just be with you.
A friend of ours has recently been bereaved and Christmas
will not be the same without her dad’s presence. It’s so easy to take family
and friends for granted; to wish away cramped gatherings and boisterous meal
times but it’s their presence we’re really there for isn’t it? Don’t get me
wrong – I love presents – ‘gifts’ is one of my top love languages* but I
know if had to choose, I’d want your presence rather than your presents every
single time.
Since leaving teaching I have developed some regular
routines to be with people. Initially there was a powerful urge to want to do
something in that time. I wanted to be able to achieve something for that
person, perhaps through practical help or advice. I have struggled to ‘be’
rather than to ‘do’ even when I have proactively tried to focus on being present
with them. However, there have also been small glimpses of being more aware and
more connected. I want to live here more.
Small things can help us to feel more present – I have
participated in a mindfulness exercise where you focus on a raisin. Using all
your different senses you observe the raisin, concluding with taste. I will be
honest and tell you that I didn’t find this particularly helpful – I was mostly
trying not to laugh! Animals can help us feel more present. When Watson is
cuddly, I am reluctant to get on with my next task, I want to savour the
moment, his softness. The other morning he smelled of chocolate hobnobs (no
idea why) and all morning I would take a moment to breathe in the chocolatey
scent. Animals simply are. The challenge then is to be present with people and
my environment. Christmas is a stressful and emotional time but if I allow
myself to be held back by past hurts or worried about the future, I miss out on
this present.
What are the moments in your life when you have felt ‘present’?
How can we be more present in our lives?
Wishing you a very Merry
Christmas and the joy of knowing greater presence in your life.
Thanks Suzi, for all your blogs, and merry Christmas!
ReplyDeleteWhat are the moments in your life when you have felt ‘present’? How can we be more present in our lives?
ReplyDeleteThese are really good questions. I remember we once talked about Patsy Rodenburg (also a TED talk) on presence, when she was talking about stage presence, but making the link to everyday life, like Shakespeare's "all the world's a stage". When actors are totally committed to their character, like it is everything, a matter of life and death, we can buy into their performance.
The same in every day life, when I am totally committed to the place and company I am in and not thinking about where else I need to be or what else I need to do, then I am present. That feeling when there is nowhere else I would rather be (most often for me in particular uplifting places, like Greenwich Park in London, or favourite venues) or nothing else I'd rather be doing (most often for me that has been sports or running or studying or reading) or no one else I would rather be with (people I really care about and/or haven't seen for a long time), that is when I have felt fully present.
We have so many possibilities of places to be and things to do and people to see each day that there is most often something else that takes away our presence. That's maybe how people survived times like the Blitz, or the situation in Syria. When circumstances are intense and require all your wits and brain capacity to survive, you are also present.
This might also explain why people do extreme things, not just for a thrill, but to feel alive. Even risking death, like a bungy jump. I'd say that first-world ennui is a killer just like first-world stress.
Is presence like mindfulness? Like achieving a shift in perspective outwards so that you feel alive even without doing something extreme. For example, realising how lucky we are not to be in a war-zone....