Trick and Treat

No, it’s not Halloween come early or really late (depending on your viewpoint) it’s my perspective on resolutions for this year.

I was asked to provide some craft and other activities for an event on New Year’s Eve. It seemed obvious to consider resolutions but I was thinking of how to make it more accessible and fun. Resolutions can be enjoyable rather than simply focusing on bad habits or starting healthy ones. I began by thinking about the different areas of life; family, work, social, health & fitness, wellbeing and spirituality. In the style of 'here's one I made earlier' I began to think about what my resolutions for 2018 would be.

I realise we’re practically half way through January and you may feel the moment has passed for setting yourself a goal. The New Year is just one opportunity – it could be September, it could be the end of April or it could be tomorrow. Everyday is new and an opportunity to take a step towards your ‘good life’. It doesn’t matter when or where your journey begins, the important thing is simply to begin.

I could set myself the resolution of completing my novel or getting fit – both of which would be excellent goals for this year, but both seem too big and scary. Instead I have decided upon five different tasks that I want to try and incorporate – some for the year, some for a period of time. Each one will take me closer to the ‘good life.’ Some of these actions are tricks for my brain – they are steps on the way to those bigger goals and who knows, they may help me achieve them.

One of my steps is to have clear mornings. This means being at home, sitting at my desk and starting the day with whatever writing tasks I have set myself as priorities. I’m finding that I am getting more done, so I am feeling less concerned by what gets ‘achieved’ in the afternoons.

Another of my tasks is to walk (briskly and for a reasonable distance) three times a week. I have two lovely friends who are also free and happy to walk with me. This helps me keep on track. It’s much easier walking together rather than trying to complete all three walks on my own.

One of the things I wanted to do this year was something new and to make time for something I enjoy. With this is mind I recently found myself a piano teacher and booked a lesson. I had piano lessons growing up and reached Grade 5, but have not really invested any time or effort into keeping it up as an adult. I am hoping that some lessons will inspire me to tickle the ivories in our lounge more regularly. I don’t have a goal beyond having the lessons - I certainly don’t want to do any more grades! I hope that having made the little steps of booking the lessons and finding some pieces that excite me, the passion to play will follow.

2018 for me will be year of small steps; tricking myself into achieving bigger goals. The achievements will be treats in and of themselves. I have also chosen goals that are pure treat – that have no function other than bringing more variety and fun into my life. One of which is to watch a film of my choice once a fortnight. 

 “We love films because they make us feel something. They speak to our desires, which are never small. They allow us to escape and to dream and to gaze into the eyes that are impossibly beautiful and huge. They fill us with longing. But also, they tell us to remember; they remind us of life.”   

(Nina LacCour)

  I encourage you, take a step towards your dream and chase after the good life this year. Trick yourself into believing you can do it and then do it!

Happy New Year!

 

Off the hook!

A friend and I did some Christmas shopping this week, during our browsing we both commented that there are people we have yet to buy for because it is difficult to find something for them. I tend to worry a lot about this and there has not been a time (apart from when I was teenager) that someone has complained about their gift. It’s difficult to apply the adage ‘it’s the thought that counts’ to this situation as the other person clearly has no idea how much you are thinking (or worrying) about their gift.

 

This year I suggest letting yourself off the hook. You are not responsible for the happiness of another person – especially through gift giving. Maybe it’s time to ask the person what they would like or perhaps you can think of a different kind of gift – spending some time with them doing an activity they love or giving them something you have made are possibilities, but don’t stress about it. Life is already stressful enough.

Off the hook can be defined in a number of ways, I will be using the following;

‘free from obligation or guilt.’ Collins Dictionary

‘cool, fresh, happening.’ Urban Dictionary

It’s up to you to decide when I use each one.

Each Christmas comes with the baggage of previous ones. This may mean a rising expectation of excitement and joy. For others the season increases a sense of loss and grief because a loved one can no longer be present. It may be a painful time full of memories of disappointment, hurt, and angry words.

It can be difficult to know how to manage this melting pot of unspoken thoughts, memories and feelings. There are a number of options:

• Grit your teeth and bear it – it’s only one (or two, or three…) day(s).
• Wear yourself out trying to guess the wants and desires of everyone else and seeing if you can fulfil them.
• Hold a family meeting, expect everyone to be honest yet thoughtful and discuss how Christmas can float everyone’s boat.

Or aim for an ‘off the hook’ Christmas!

Allow yourself the gift of letting things be ok for Christmas rather than perfect. Perfection puts pressure on everyone, including you. Christmas does not have to be perfect. So, go with the flow, look for the humour and try something new – who knows what new memories and traditions may be created along the way.

There may be an opportunity to let someone else off the hook. Perhaps you received a crap gift or someone pushed your buttons (so easy to do at Christmas time). Remember all the thoughts, emotions and expectations Christmas brings up for you? Well, it’s highly likely this other person has a whole mish-mash of those for themselves. This Christmas be the bigger person; let them off the hook.

For when it all gets too much (and even if it doesn’t) plan some ‘me’ time. Go for a walk, listen to some music, read a book, meditate – whatever helps you relax. Let yourself off the hook – you do not need to be the social butterfly or domestic goddess of the season. Give yourself permission to simply be you.

Whatever you do this festive season, I hope you have an off the hook Christmas!

Beautiful Interruptions

We’ve just spent a fortnight in the amazing city of Edinburgh. The city is crowded with tourists, locals, performers and Fringers like us. For me these teeming streets exhale inspiration. Anything is possible. Thousands of people have crafted their shows, ready to entertain, shock and enthral. The creativity seems to ooze out of bodies and buildings, just waiting for bystanders to absorb.

We make a point of travelling down the Royal Mile (even though it can be at a slow and frustrating pace) because there are so many opportunities to chat with strangers. This is not something we generally do back in our home town (although I think we’re getting better) but it is something we look forward to as part of our Fringe Festival experience.

This year we met a girl called Alice, she was performing in two shows and we ended up talking to her for quite a while. We heard about some of her previous Edinburgh experiences, the tour of her show in Australia, her boyfriend and of course the shows she was promoting at the festival. We ended up going to both of her shows and enjoyed them. I happened to bump into her again on our penultimate day in the city. She was delighted to see me and keen to discover what other shows we had enjoyed. She then excitedly shared with me that her boyfriend had proposed and they were now engaged. She then thrust her hand with the ring in my direction. There is something both beautiful and intimate sharing moments like these with complete strangers.

Yeats wrote ‘There are no strangers here, only friends you haven’t yet met.’

A stranger we have befriended (some might say stalked) since our first visit to the Edinburgh Festival was performing his seventh fringe show. We were thrilled to discover his show had sold out both times we tried to see it. It meant a lot that he arranged to get us in anyway.

The atmosphere and the fact that a number of people are trying to get your attention (to give you their flyers) means it is easy to start up conversations. I know I find this much more difficult back at home. I am convinced that it is worth making the effort locally as these moments shared with strangers will be treasured just as much as the shows we have loved this year.

We’ve been trained to be wary of strangers and to obey public transport etiquette: eyes down, only speak when absolutely necessary. As a result we miss out on little joy moments in our day. These bring happiness to others too. One guy, handing out flyers, would start his patter ‘Hi, how are you?’ when we responded by asking how he was, he was taken aback and said ‘no one normally asks how I am.’

I am as guilty as the next person for rushing through life, particularly on journeys whether it’s walking or on public transport. We’re reminded to stop and smell the roses but there are people out there too; people who would love to be acknowledged and receive a smile. All too often we can feel invisible amongst a sea of faces. When someone smiles or takes the time to say a few words we feel acknowledged and connected. It is the start of community to acknowledge and recognise the people around you. It feels strange that a city has become another home to me. Even though it is 380 miles away and I have never actually lived there, it holds a piece of my heart. I think part of the reason is conversations with strangers. Even though they, like me, may not be locals, our shared experiences in the same location create a temporary community.

So next time you’re out and about or waiting in a queue, try starting a conversation with a stranger. Who knows where it could lead?

Emotional Health Check

Public exams are over. Speaking to an eighteen year old who had sat his last exam this week, he shared his feelings of relief but also worry. He was already thinking about results day; wondering if he could have done more, if he had failed.

I have experienced my own failure this week. The knowledge that nothing had really changed as a result was not as comforting as it should have been. There’s a horrible feeling that comes with failure, that sense of stupidity, of being a fool for thinking you could do better or even for trying in the first place. The feelings triggered memories of failing my driving test (a number of times) and the disappointment I felt seeing my A level results. Neither of which has prevented me from doing anything I wanted to. Those small feelings of defeat this week evoked strong feelings of inadequacy.

It is easy to find motivational quotations to help move on from failure. As a teacher it was fairly regular practise to educate pupils in the short comings of other ‘Greats’ in order to inspire and comfort. Examples like ‘I have not failed 10,000 times. I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will work.’ (Thomas Edison)

In order to adopt a positive perspective one must first acknowledge the distortions that failure often brings. Guy Winch, a psychologist, thinks that it is time that we close the gap between our physical and mental health. He makes the point that we spend more time taking care of our teeth than our minds.

When we experience emotional pain like rejection, failure and loneliness we are likely to go into our default setting, which for most of us is a negative place. We start to re-live past hurts and somehow convince ourselves that this current hurt is no surprise; we probably deserve it. Our inner voice is often so negative, if we spoke out loud those thoughts to a friend, they would be shocked. We are mean, hurtful and rude to ourselves in a way we would never be to a friend. One step towards emotional health is speaking to yourself with compassion. Take a step back and see yourself as a friend you care about, what would you say to them?

 

Another common response to emotional pain is rumination – going over and over the situation and dwelling on the consequences and feelings. This can easily spiral downwards and out of control. It is effectively like having a fall and cutting your knee, only to get a knife and start stabbing at it. We would never do this to a physical wound, why do we do it with our emotional ones? Distraction is one way of dealing with over-thinking. Guy Winch reckons just two minutes of distraction is enough but we have to keep making that choice when the negative thoughts come to do something distracting. It takes time and practise.

A quotation that I have found helpful this week is: ‘Failure is an event, not a person. Yesterday ended last night.’ (Zig Ziglar) It has been helpful to separate myself from the process and to acknowledge that event was in the past. Today is a new day, with new opportunities and challenges.