Just Say No!

‘Just say no’ was the mantra used by my school as part of our drugs education. In my experience there is no ‘just’ about it. Saying no is difficult and requires courage.

Aristotle lists courage as an important virtue that people should try and develop. Fear is often seen as the opposite of courage, but Aristotle believed that there are things we should fear. One example he gives is fearing the loss of a good reputation. So fear in and of itself is not the antithesis of courage. Aristotle created the idea of the Golden Mean; this is the midway point between two vices. In the case of courage he believes that we need to find the point between cowardice (the deficiency of courage) and rashness (the excess of courage). In Ancient Greece the ultimate way of showing courage was in battle; to die in battle or to overcome the enemy was the highest honour.

Desmond Doss’ real life story is portrayed in the film Hacksaw Ridge. Here is a man who is willing to die for his country but is unwilling to take up a weapon to do so. He is labelled a coward and thought to be insane but he continues to stay true to his beliefs. There is a point in the film where he is given an ultimatum; to obey his commanding officer and show how a gun works or go to prison. He agonises over the choice as it is his heart’s desire to serve his country but he wants to remain true to his convictions. While watching his anguish, I am willing him to say ‘yes’ to the command, to just show them he knows how to use a gun. Then he’ll get his opportunity to serve as a medic on the front line. He refuses. I won’t tell you what happens next but his story is powerful one of courage and being true to yourself.

Often I think of being courageous as saying ‘yes’ to things; facing a fear, trying something new, making the most of an opportunity but lately I am finding that sometimes it takes courage to say ‘no’. I saw a wise friend of mine this week who had had to give up a number of activities where she was being successful for personal reasons. The time came when she was able to return to the things she had previously been involved in. Rather than picking up where she had left off, she felt a strong sense that she should just do one of those things. It was a hard decision because she loves to say ‘yes’ and she was really good at all the projects still available to her. Since then, she told me that her ability in the one activity she said yes to has increased and she can see this was the best and wisest choice for her.

I like to say ‘yes’ and with a more flexible timetable it is so tempting to do so, but I have felt challenged this week about whether I am saying ‘yes’ to the right things. I often see the need and think ‘Ooh, I could do that and if I don’t perhaps no one else will.’ I wonder how often I’ve trampled on someone else’s opportunity in order to add another ‘string to my bow’. My willingness to volunteer, to say ‘yes’ stems from compassion but underneath that lies the desire to be noticed, to have purpose. There’s a fear within me that if I don’t put my hand up, I will not be seen. Ultimately I fear not being loved.

So I am attempting to be courageous, to pick through the things I am currently doing and ask the question ‘Is this the right thing for now?’ This is just the first step, the harder part will be saying ‘no’ and letting go of the things that are not meant for me.

 

Have you experienced choices when it has been hard to say ‘No’? What happened?

What do you think is the greatest expression of courage?

Keep your pecker up!

 

 ‘Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts.’ (Coleman Cox)

Maybe it’s the perpetual grey, the drizzle or the cold that even on the milder days seeps into your bones; the last few weeks have been tough.

I’ve always worked well with deadlines, but it is much harder when these are self-imposed. I have always enjoyed balancing a number of (usually unrelated) activities in life and my new routine is no exception. With such variety it can be hard to see whether progress is being made and whether each task is worth the time and effort that it takes.

Aristotle extols the benefits of developing virtues in order to truly flourish. One of these is courage. In Aristotle’s teaching this is more than being brave; it also means to endure.

The difficulty is, not knowing the stage you’re at. School gives very tangible markers for progress. Ticking off the lessons, counting down the days to exams or till the beginning of the holidays, each one provides boundaries as to where one is in the endurance test of education. Persevering is not necessarily easy but you can see where you’re going and how long it’s going to get to take there.

Life consists of markers too, but sometimes the timing is off. For a number of friends the milestones of marriage or having a baby have not come at the time they would wish. In such circumstances it is difficult to know whether to give up or to endure, hoping that your time will come.

Persevering when the outcome is uncertain is tough. The mantra to keep on keeping on sounds hollow and going back to what is safe looks inviting. It is often the case that hindsight allows us to see that progress was being made. It is when we look back we see the glimmers of hope or success.

I saw my first snowdrops this week and made a plan to see if any had appeared in the garden. As it was sunny, I decided I would do some gardening as well as look for snowdrops. Initially I didn’t see any, it was only as I stepped back to look at the improvement my weeding had made that I saw the tinniest strands of green bending under the weight of the white bells. It is worth taking time to search for the snowdrops, to stand back and really look. 

‘Prepare’ and ‘Reflect’ are my new action words. I have diversified my reading since leaving teaching and have a spiritual, fictional and philosophical book on the go at all times. I often start the day with a chapter from my spiritual book. I sometimes think ‘I don’t have time, I need to get on.’ Yet, when I take the time, not only to read but to consider and write down any thoughts, the rest of the day always seems more productive. I now view this time as ‘preparation’ for the day.

A while ago my husband decided to write down any events that made us happy or grateful on a piece of paper. These were kept in a box and at the end of the year we went through the papers. There was joy in remembering these times together but also surprise in how much we had forgotten. It is all too easy to gloss over or forget the good moments, but I think these things fuel our endurance, so that during the harder times, it is easier to see that ‘this too will pass’. I think I am going to reintroduce this, if not for the two of us, then definitely for me.

How do you keep persevering?

How important is endurance when it comes to being courageous?

What helps you enjoy the journey when the destination seems out of reach?