Realignment

Having spent a lot of time on our sofa this week, I ended up watching a number of films. One of which was The Emperor’s Club. This is set in a boys’ boarding school and focuses on the lessons between a particular class and their teacher of ancient history. The teacher seeks to inspire the boys through the actions and words of Greek and Roman leaders. One boy who is more interested in making the boys laugh rather than learning refuses to be swayed by the teacher’s attention and enthusiasm. When the teacher meets with the boy’s father, the father asks, what is the point of teaching these ancient accounts? The teacher responds by talking about virtues and wanting to mould the lives of his students. The father is unimpressed.

 I think the idea behind the teacher’s efforts could be summed up by Aristotle’s words: “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.” Whether or not we are teachers, we all influence others by the way we live. This gives us great power and one might argue responsibility, to teach well.

Beliefs, words and actions that are aligned are powerful tools. To bring about real and lasting change all three must be in agreement. It is not to say that progress cannot be made without alignment. So often change begins as a thought or a word that is not truly believed and so behavioural changes rarely last. I was listening to a conversation between two comedians on a podcast. They were discussing being vegan. Whilst one could understand the other’s argument about why he should become vegan, he could not fully give himself to the change in lifestyle that this would require. The compassion he felt for the cows was not equal to the compassion he feels for himself in eating a cheese toastie. I am not vegan or judging him. It was just an interesting example, to see that the vegan’s arguments were accepted but this was not enough to affect behaviour.

Changing a lifestyle demands self-awareness and a kindness to oneself. Brutal honesty reveals the true outlook and kindness needs to be applied to help smooth the path of change. I have been through a process of looking backwards in order to see why current feelings and responses to situations occur. Some reflections have been painful, but it was also surprising to discover hidden beauty. It was these hidden, forgotten moments that allowed me to realign my beliefs. This is turn meant I was able to speak different words and act in new ways. The result was amazing and the impact beyond what I could have imagined. The situation involves others and is the reason I am not being more specific in my explanation.

A different, less successful example has been with my writing habits. A mentor recently recommended having five tasks to complete everyday. These should be achievable without specific word limits or timings. The overall goal is to complete five steps that move your writing (or other projects) forwards on a daily basis. I dutifully wrote my five tasks down and pinned them to my notice board. Three out of the five have been completed regularly and the fourth most days, but one task continues to elude me. Having spent a little time reviewing this process I have come to the conclusion that failure to complete the fifth task is because I do not fully believe I can do it. The fear of getting it wrong is still holding me back. Until I face the fear and move on in self belief progress will be slow. That is my challenge to work on my beliefs so that I can achieve some forward momentum with this task.

Can You Handle the Truth?

Captain Fantastic is a film that explores family, death and the American Dream. I loved this film. One of things that stayed with me was the father’s decision to tell the truth to his kids. There is an uncomfortable scene when he (Ben) and his six kids are having dinner with members of his wife’s family. One of the children asks a difficult question, the other adults answer in clichés and metaphors, but Ben responds with honesty. This is the way he has chosen to parent, with candour, even when it hurts or could be embarrassing.

This goes against the general rules for truth-telling. On the whole we believe we should tell the truth but we also might bend the truth or tell a small white lie to protect others. Clinical Psychologist, Jo Lambe defines a white lie as ‘a lie that if your friend, partner, parent or child found out, they would understand why you told it.’ Sounds reasonable and no doubt we can all think of situations or examples that would fit this definition. Lambe goes on to say ‘a dangerous lie is one we tell to protect ourselves, to stop anyone thinking badly of us.’

This makes it all more complicated.

Truthfulness, honesty and integrity are all highly esteemed by philosophers in all three major ethical theories: utilitarian, virtue and deontological. The first two allow for some caveats. If the consequences of lying lead to a better outcome than if the person told the truth, then the lie is permissible. This allows for the person to draw their own conclusions about the possible consequences of the truth and therefore potentially lie about situations that we would not consider morally ok. For example, by this logic Sally* could lie about the affair she is having because the truth will hurt her husband and their children. However, I am more interested in the less extreme lies we tell. Lies that cover up the disgusting dinner or the boring new boyfriend.

In considering my own lies, if I am honest (?!) the motives are not clear. I do not want to cause any hurt or offence, but underlying this motive is the desire to protect myself. I do not want you to think any less of me. I do not want to damage our relationship. Are these justifiable reasons to lie? Perhaps lying is a lazy form of communication. We cannot be bothered to deal with the issue or circumstance thoroughly and so we take the quickest or ‘easiest’ way out. Ultimately it could be more offensive to you that I choose to lie to you than tell you the truth. It suggests that I think you cannot cope with the truth, that you cannot handle a weaker, selfish me. Instead I have to feed you something that you will find palatable, that will make me look good (or a least not bad) in your eyes.

If we are to rely on our own motivations as a measure for how much truth we should tell, we are on dangerous ground. The lie that potentially protects you from harm, almost certainly does the same for me. The problem is this relies upon me making correct assumptions about you and the information you can handle. In my experience, people are surprising. My assumptions are not a good way of measuring whether or not I should tell a lie to protect someone. I am best at deciding lies that will protect myself. Is there really such a thing as an altruistic lie? Rather than thinking up white lies, perhaps we should become better at how we tell the truth.

* Some names have been changed.

Shall I compare thee...

...to me?!

I came across a newspaper article recently, in which Daisy Lowe was being unfavourably compared to Emma Forbes. Both had been papped in their swim suits whilst on holiday and were being critiqued for their choice of swim-wear. I was a little incredulous that this sort of article still made the news, but was reminded in the last few days that there is still appetite for this kind of critiquing with the current flurry of award ceremonies. This is peak time for the appraisal of celebrity fashion and the shaming of those who commit fashion faux pas.

Despite collaboration being the buzzword in business and education we are still fuelled by competition. I get the argument: competition spurs on excellence and innovation. Many would also argue that competition is part of our Darwinian heritage, but it strikes me that with the advancement of technology, the need for competition in order than I might live or reproduce are no longer required. Whilst I can see there will always be competition in the world of work and sport, my concern is that I apply the same competitive nature to my life. This leads to a false and unhealthy comparison with others.

Whilst encouraging a friend to step out into a new project, I feel fearful I am getting left behind. I want to be the one who rejoices at their victories and weeps at their losses but all too often another’s victory leads to my own self-doubt and a mental side-ways glance to see how I am measuring up.

Aristotle’s proposal for the good life is through the development and application of virtues. He believed the flourishing of the individual would inevitably lead to the flourishing of society. Sounds good, but working out the reality of this is hard and even modern philosophers disagree with how this can be achieved. One of his ideas, which I love, is the virtue of friendship. To want the best for your friend without the motivation to benefit oneself is a high bar to set, but I believe one worth reaching for. Where is the place for competition in friendship? One might argue that there is no place, surely competition would lead to jealousy, upset and perhaps even relationship break-down. An American philosopher, Richard Kraut believes that there is a place for competition within friendship and virtue ethics. He calls this ‘moral competition’. This is the idea that there can be rivalry when being virtuous. However, this does not lead to the traditional ‘winners and losers’ in competition. Everyone is a winner as when an individual succeeds in acting virtuously, not only does that person benefit but also the people around them. If the act is truly virtuous then it should benefit all involved.

I’m not sure I’m totally convinced – it seems so easy to fall prey to pride or smugness in this kind of competition. It is all rather dependent on my definition of virtuous which is something hotly debated amongst modern philosophers.

Psychologists explain that female competitiveness is a result of a Darwinian compulsion to be impregnated by the best man. This seems an outdated, uncomfortable notion, yet the comparisons continue.

When our value is left in the hands of another, what are we left with but comparison and competition? When this competitive spirit takes hold of us we end up living in a small, limited world. The truth is the world is bigger than we imagine and we are greater than we can conceive. In a world without competition, without the threat of losing, who could you be?

What are the benefits of competition?

To what extent do you think collaboration a good alternative to competition?

What tips do you have for combating the competitive spirit that compels us to make comparisons?