Contentment vs Happiness

This week I read an article about whether spending money makes people happy. The article looked at the lives of six women; each on a different salary and with different spending habits. One woman, a millionaire author, does not own a house or a car and says that she can fit all of her belongings in a large plastic box. As I read it, I was sceptical, but Amanda Prowse says this is how she has discovered what has real value and what makes her happy.

Intrigued, I did a little research and came across another writer who has purged her house to the extent that she can fit all of her day-to-day items in a cardboard box. For her, this has been a journey of self-discovery that has affected her relationships, eating & spending habits and her thought life. The idea has some appeal to me, although it would require much more extreme action than my wardrobe clear-out in early December. Realistically, I know there is more than a box of books I would struggle to chuck out and there is a bit of a squirrel inside me that says ‘that might be useful one day.’

These women, having sifted through their belongings seem to have come to a quiet contentment about ‘stuff’ which I find both admirable and enviable. There are many voices competing for our attention and many of them are telling us that we do not have enough or we do not have the right thing and if we could just acquire this ‘thing’ we would be happy. Even though I know this is a total swizz and none of these voices actually care about my happiness or wellbeing there is a part of me that believes them and I get sucked in. I live in a state of discontentment.

While there are a few quiet voices calling us to mindfulness and to slow down, the general message is ‘earn more money, buy more experiences, acquire the new stuff – get busy.’ We do place a high value on busyness and the ultimate consequence of this is that people get shut out. I know that previously in my own friendships, people have felt I was unavailable due to my busyness. That makes me sad; I don’t want to be that busy person.

I have been thinking about happiness and contentment and the difference between the two. Some definitions imply they are more or less the same thing. I have always thought there is a transitory quality to happiness, whereas contentment feels more solid and lasting; more of a life-style than a feeling. One definition that I came across explained contentment as a state of satisfaction that is not disturbed by the desire of anything more or anything different. This seems to be at odds with growth and development of oneself but I think if applied to the general state of one’s life this could be truly liberating. That sense of truly enjoying the present for what it brings. 

There is so much I am complacent about because my thoughts are either anchored in the past or second-guessing the future. I have heard people recommend ‘gratitude journals’ to aid thinking in the present and to develop contentment. Whilst I have not created a journal for this purpose, I have found it useful, on those days that feel grey, regardless of the weather, to spend five minutes writing a list of all the things I am thankful for. It can take time getting started but then it can be difficult to stop! As I look back over some of the lists I am struck by how much I take for granted and how little things like a friendly text, the smell of hyacinths, a good cup of tea really do make a difference but are so easy to overlook.

Which is better, happiness or contentment?

What are you grateful for today?

What other activities lead you towards contentment?

I am now starting a six week break from blogging. This is partly due to finding momentum for my novel and I want to focus on that but also because I have been thinking about a different direction for the blog and want some time to consider this.

Just Say No!

‘Just say no’ was the mantra used by my school as part of our drugs education. In my experience there is no ‘just’ about it. Saying no is difficult and requires courage.

Aristotle lists courage as an important virtue that people should try and develop. Fear is often seen as the opposite of courage, but Aristotle believed that there are things we should fear. One example he gives is fearing the loss of a good reputation. So fear in and of itself is not the antithesis of courage. Aristotle created the idea of the Golden Mean; this is the midway point between two vices. In the case of courage he believes that we need to find the point between cowardice (the deficiency of courage) and rashness (the excess of courage). In Ancient Greece the ultimate way of showing courage was in battle; to die in battle or to overcome the enemy was the highest honour.

Desmond Doss’ real life story is portrayed in the film Hacksaw Ridge. Here is a man who is willing to die for his country but is unwilling to take up a weapon to do so. He is labelled a coward and thought to be insane but he continues to stay true to his beliefs. There is a point in the film where he is given an ultimatum; to obey his commanding officer and show how a gun works or go to prison. He agonises over the choice as it is his heart’s desire to serve his country but he wants to remain true to his convictions. While watching his anguish, I am willing him to say ‘yes’ to the command, to just show them he knows how to use a gun. Then he’ll get his opportunity to serve as a medic on the front line. He refuses. I won’t tell you what happens next but his story is powerful one of courage and being true to yourself.

Often I think of being courageous as saying ‘yes’ to things; facing a fear, trying something new, making the most of an opportunity but lately I am finding that sometimes it takes courage to say ‘no’. I saw a wise friend of mine this week who had had to give up a number of activities where she was being successful for personal reasons. The time came when she was able to return to the things she had previously been involved in. Rather than picking up where she had left off, she felt a strong sense that she should just do one of those things. It was a hard decision because she loves to say ‘yes’ and she was really good at all the projects still available to her. Since then, she told me that her ability in the one activity she said yes to has increased and she can see this was the best and wisest choice for her.

I like to say ‘yes’ and with a more flexible timetable it is so tempting to do so, but I have felt challenged this week about whether I am saying ‘yes’ to the right things. I often see the need and think ‘Ooh, I could do that and if I don’t perhaps no one else will.’ I wonder how often I’ve trampled on someone else’s opportunity in order to add another ‘string to my bow’. My willingness to volunteer, to say ‘yes’ stems from compassion but underneath that lies the desire to be noticed, to have purpose. There’s a fear within me that if I don’t put my hand up, I will not be seen. Ultimately I fear not being loved.

So I am attempting to be courageous, to pick through the things I am currently doing and ask the question ‘Is this the right thing for now?’ This is just the first step, the harder part will be saying ‘no’ and letting go of the things that are not meant for me.

 

Have you experienced choices when it has been hard to say ‘No’? What happened?

What do you think is the greatest expression of courage?

Waiting For Wisdom

What if every test of endurance is less about achieving the goal and more about gaining experience and as a result, wisdom?

I’ve been back in the garden recently and what looked dead is now slowly coming back to life. If I only looked for the flowers or the fruit, I would miss so much of the beauty of the whole process. Tiny buds of potential, bright green shoots fighting their way through the heavy, wet earth reveal that although the big picture is still stripped bare, closer to the surface there is a lot going on and there is still more than my eyes don’t see.

I’m beginning to see the same is true for you and me. We spend so much time focused on the ‘fruit’, the goal that we miss the process. I have begun to question; what if there’s no ‘fruit’ – no creative community built through mindfulness and art – no published book. Would it still be worth it? I am beginning to conclude that the answer is ‘Yes!’ It will be worth it because of all the new relationships that are being forged, all the new things I am learning. It will be worth it for the experience.

Gaining experience is the focus of many advertising campaigns, often it seems with the purpose of allowing us to post the gratifying photo on Facebook.  But experience has a more profound purpose than becoming an anecdote on our Twitter feed; experience takes us deeper into the human condition. This is the precursor to wisdom.

Wisdom does not hold a prominent position in our culture. It is not taught in schools, it is not discussed in the mass media, it has been sidelined to the domains of philosophy and religion. The Ancient Greeks were certainly fans of wisdom but more than that it was something they actively sought after. For Aristotle, one of the Greek words for wisdom, sophia, (the act of reasoning, discovering and questioning) was limited if it did not lead to phronesis (practical wisdom – the ability to weigh up situations and act benevolently).

What a difference it would make if we paused to think about the events, choices and circumstances of our lives and considered what they might be teaching us, how we might do things better in the future and how our future choices could benefit others.

No doubt all of the world’s a stage, but you and I are involved in the task of improvisation rather than learning our lines. Each scene, each experience can take us forwards towards wisdom and compassion if we make the choice not to rush the finale but to see each scene as an opportunity to connect with the other players, with ourselves, with the set-designer.

Whilst thinking about endurance and achieving goals. I came across this definition for endurance ‘the capacity of something to last or to withstand wear and tear’. It’s referring to objects, but I really love it as a definition for myself and the things I am creating in my life. In a world where everything is disposable, including it seems relationships, and people, I want to create things that will last. Trouble and difficulty are inevitable, sometimes it seems like the solutions to these problems are to give up or to get a new one. Enduring the tough times, dealing with the confrontations, making the difficult decisions creates something more beautiful and valuable than simple moving on to something or someone new.

How can we gain more wisdom?

How can we help each other develop practical wisdom from our experience?

Who do you look to for wisdom?

Keep your pecker up!

 

 ‘Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts.’ (Coleman Cox)

Maybe it’s the perpetual grey, the drizzle or the cold that even on the milder days seeps into your bones; the last few weeks have been tough.

I’ve always worked well with deadlines, but it is much harder when these are self-imposed. I have always enjoyed balancing a number of (usually unrelated) activities in life and my new routine is no exception. With such variety it can be hard to see whether progress is being made and whether each task is worth the time and effort that it takes.

Aristotle extols the benefits of developing virtues in order to truly flourish. One of these is courage. In Aristotle’s teaching this is more than being brave; it also means to endure.

The difficulty is, not knowing the stage you’re at. School gives very tangible markers for progress. Ticking off the lessons, counting down the days to exams or till the beginning of the holidays, each one provides boundaries as to where one is in the endurance test of education. Persevering is not necessarily easy but you can see where you’re going and how long it’s going to get to take there.

Life consists of markers too, but sometimes the timing is off. For a number of friends the milestones of marriage or having a baby have not come at the time they would wish. In such circumstances it is difficult to know whether to give up or to endure, hoping that your time will come.

Persevering when the outcome is uncertain is tough. The mantra to keep on keeping on sounds hollow and going back to what is safe looks inviting. It is often the case that hindsight allows us to see that progress was being made. It is when we look back we see the glimmers of hope or success.

I saw my first snowdrops this week and made a plan to see if any had appeared in the garden. As it was sunny, I decided I would do some gardening as well as look for snowdrops. Initially I didn’t see any, it was only as I stepped back to look at the improvement my weeding had made that I saw the tinniest strands of green bending under the weight of the white bells. It is worth taking time to search for the snowdrops, to stand back and really look. 

‘Prepare’ and ‘Reflect’ are my new action words. I have diversified my reading since leaving teaching and have a spiritual, fictional and philosophical book on the go at all times. I often start the day with a chapter from my spiritual book. I sometimes think ‘I don’t have time, I need to get on.’ Yet, when I take the time, not only to read but to consider and write down any thoughts, the rest of the day always seems more productive. I now view this time as ‘preparation’ for the day.

A while ago my husband decided to write down any events that made us happy or grateful on a piece of paper. These were kept in a box and at the end of the year we went through the papers. There was joy in remembering these times together but also surprise in how much we had forgotten. It is all too easy to gloss over or forget the good moments, but I think these things fuel our endurance, so that during the harder times, it is easier to see that ‘this too will pass’. I think I am going to reintroduce this, if not for the two of us, then definitely for me.

How do you keep persevering?

How important is endurance when it comes to being courageous?

What helps you enjoy the journey when the destination seems out of reach?