Telly Temptations

The days are short, the weather is grey, the perfect antidote to all this misery is to curl up on the sofa and turn the box on.

The 21^st November was World Television Day. Back in the nineties the UN declared World Television Day – advocating the universal nature of the small screen with its ability to unite.

I suppose Dynasties, or perhaps any David Attenbrough show, could be held up as an example. People from different backgrounds and of varying ages have been transfixed by the hour long animal narrative. Even cats succumbed to watching their cousins on the silver screen.

Whilst televisual streaming may be in decline amongst millennials, we all seem very attached to one screen or another and it seems the darker, colder days only make us more so.

A few weeks ago, having noticed the number of books on my bedside table increasing, I decided to evaluate my TV diet. Having the ability to record and save programmes so easily means I also had a stack of programmes waiting for me to click and watch.

Following a writing warning – reading books increases creativity, whilst watching TV stifles it – I decided to delete a number of recordings and evaluate the number of series I am following. This has resulted in giving up a Soap I have followed on and off for years!

Having had a busy week of various evening activities the draw of the TV has not had it’s usual pull. However, I am aware of it seductive lights and the escapism it offers.

The Autumn has opened up many doors for us with new sports, creative activities and people to meet. I am determined not to lose these new sparkly things in the face of a rainy, dark Winter.

Instead I am burning candles for cosy lights, stacking books downstairs, rather than by the bed, dusting off my colouring pens and books and seeing Christmas cards as opportunities to send more than a greeting and get back to some old-fashioned letter writing.

If you’re wanting some reading recommendations:

I am about to join a book club – the book for December is Murder in the Snow. A Cotswold Christmas Mystery by Gladys Mitchell, I am already reading a book of short stories by Haruki Murakami, Men without Women. I have also started re-reading The Chronicles of Narnia, by C.S. Lewis. This has brought back a childhood nostalgia that seems fitting for the season. It could be the perfect bedtime reading with younger ones too.

A Good Four Letter Word

Before moving house, I had reached a stage in writing and public speaking that meant there were lots of potential avenues to explore, but I was finding it hard to know where to focus my time and attention. A common piece of advice to writers and entrepreneurs is to find a coach or mentor. Initially I rejected the idea. The cost and not knowing how to find the right person put me off.

I didn’t ask for help.

I recently found myself discussing the new church we’ve been attending with a couple who have been part of it for the last year. I had some questions about how things are done and found myself saying ‘I suppose it’s okay to ask, we’re still new’ the response was one of surprise ‘Of course it’s okay to ask, it’s always good to ask questions.’

I know this, I’ve written about the importance of staying curious and questioning people and life in general. But this comment of mine led me to acknowledge that I have a reticence to ask questions that imply I need help or that I don’t fully understand. 

Asking for help can feel like failing. Feelings of pride, indebtedness and fear prevent us from removing the obstacles progress. As children we are encouraged to ask for help. At some point, maybe as we strive for independence, the willingness to ask disappears. There’s a quiet voice that whispers ‘surely you should know that’ and the underlying fear that people will find out that we’re not as knowledgeable, skilled or talented as they thought. 

In order to grow and make progress, these fears must be faced.

It’s one thing to read a book or an article and quite another to speak to a person. This is a difficult post to write, as I’m still stuck, discovering this is a problem and making baby steps towards progress.

I’m very happy to ask for directions, confirmation that I am on the right train or even for someone to reach the rice that is stuck at the back of the top shelf in the supermarket.

It’s dreams, unnecessary goals that satisfy a yearning. This is when I struggle to ask for help. Perhaps it is the fear of criticism or ridicule that my helper with think the dream is unreachable or ridiculous.

Practice makes perfect, apparently. At least Aristotle would argue that repetition creates habit. So I will practise asking for help (even when perhaps I don’t need it).

I will recognise that when others ask for help they may be making requests wrapped in their precious, fragile dreams and I may have the privilege of helping them actualise it.

All that you can leave behind

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." - Heraclitus

There has been a lull in the production of posts. There has been a big change. It may have been interesting to note the process of this change, but much of this was gruelling and painful and I was concerned my writing may become grumpy at best and bitter if unchecked. All the while I would be knowing that ultimately there would be a positive outcome so why bother with the tediousness of the obstacles. I did not feel like I had much to say, only knowing that ‘this too would pass’ and to persevere through it all.

I have found new river, to use the illustration from the quotation. The process of selling up, buying somewhere new and occupying a new house is complete. On paper this seems a mechanical kind of procedure; clear actions to be taken, papers to be signed, literal items to be transferred from one place to another. The reality was an emotional squiggly mess.

In order to start again we have had to let things go; leave jobs, people and the familiar behind. I wrote a post back in December 2016 focused on letting go. One aspect of this was de-cluttering and getting rid of material things. I never imagined that in less than two years we would be moving from our ‘forever home’ to take up residence in a city far away. Once we had decided on a plan; a brand new start. The downsizing of our current life and de-cluttering began in earnest. I was surprised to discover, once the goal had been set, things that had seemed all-important at the time of purchase were now potential barriers to our goal.

Letting go became freeing; physically there was more space in our house, but there was also more space in our minds for what could be. Having moved in, we thought we had down-sized enough to fit in the space that was now less than half the size of our previous house, but still more had to go. The first places in our new area that we became most familiar with were the recycling centre and the location of our nearest charity shops!

The hardest leaving behind always involves people. This in itself felt strange; although we were saying goodbye we were not ending the relationships. Methods of communication are now so accessible and varied in some ways it felt wrong to say ‘goodbye’. We are also fortunate to be be in a place that has excellent transport links, so visits are definitely not out of the question. Still it is going to be different; the regular walks, chats over tea, spontaneous invites for dinner would be gone. This has re-opened the door to another form of communication; letter writing. One I extolled in a post back in November 2016 but have failed to keep up with. At one leaving event, a friend said ‘I’ll write to you, I’m good at writing letters’. It made me smile to receive the first letter in the post, just a week after we moved. It has encouraged me to put pen to paper, although using social media is my main method of keeping in touch.

Conversations with locals have reminded me that our beginning starts in someone else’s middle. We arrived after the start of the school year, so local pupils and students have already found their feet. We have arrived in the midst of everyone else’s journey. We are new. They are not.

Our move has created much space – not so much in our house, but in our minds. Our schedules now have room for many possibilities. We have been taking advantage of some of what this new city has to offer. To an extent, a move makes this inevitable, but it did strike me how willing are we to be open to a new beginning? How often do we miss serendipitous opportunities because we have convinced ourselves there is no time or our minds are closed to change? It is a challenge to stay in the present. To not look back at what has been left behind and not get caught up in future possibilities. Today is a new day; a new beginning. I am not the same man that walked through the river of yesterday. Regardless of where you are on life’s journey, will you allow yourself a new beginning and embrace the potential for change?

Living in Wonder

For men were first led to study philosophy, as indeed they are today, by wonder.
(Aristotle, Metaphysics 982b, tr. A.E. Taylor)

For Aristotle, this kind of wonder was a feeling of being perplexed, a questioning that would lead to knowledge and wisdom. I like this kind of wonder, that causes questions and inquiry. It can lead to experiments, creativity and innovation. It can be the spark that generates great ideas, new ways of thinking and living.

More recently I have been taken with a different kind of wonder. The kind that makes you pause, sit up and say ‘Wow.’ The kind that is so often associated with children when they discover something new. Their eyes are transfixed; some kind of miracle has occurred and they delight in being part of this experience.

It has been one of those weeks that has found me grumbling about a variety of things. A friend of mine was out and about exploring new places in her local area. She said, ‘When you are looking for goodness you see it everywhere.’ When I read my friend’s thoughts it made me think, what am I looking for? It’s so much easier to grumble or complain, but what do I miss when I am focused on the negative?

Wonder is associated with childlikeness and perhaps seen as a bit naïve, but wonder can have a transformative effect. It allows us to be fully present – we are lost in the moment of awe and admiration. We allow ourselves to be fully there not worrying about the future or dwelling on the past.

Sitting in the shade in a friend’s garden, someone commented about the birds overhead. As we looked up, we saw birds of prey soaring above us. It was an opportunity to marvel at the gift of flight, freedom, the beauty of their wing spans and the majesty of their ascension. Our senses were captivated and our vision expanded. Wonder invites us to look beyond ourselves.

Most dictionary definitions include the word astonishment in their explanations. Whilst this is true, wonder can be broader than those sights that make us gasp. It can be noticing the detail of the everyday. Observing something new about an item that we have previously failed to see. It doesn’t have to be within nature, although that is an obvious place to look. I am enjoying particular lines in the novel I am reading. The images that are conjured up by just one line of well crafted words. I read them again. It brings enjoyment and inspiration.

The heat and sunshine call for us to slow down. It is the perfect opportunity to change perspective. To consider what we are looking for and how we are looking at what is before us. There is an invitation to look a little closer, a little deeper, for a little longer and embrace the now of wonder.

Happiness - Danish Style

Last Autumn I wrote about the Danish concept of hygge. This Spring I have been introduced to the Danish concept of lykke.

I had the pleasure going on a family city break to Copenhagen last month. At the back of my brain somewhere was the idea that Denmark was one of the happiest places to live, along with the rest of Scandinavia. It was not something I had given much thought to before our trip. I was expecting it to be clean, but somehow seeing litterless streets and pristine underground stations was still surprising. What surprised me more was the attitude of the people travelling. One our first activities as a family in Copenhagen was going on a boat tour of the canals. We were travelling in a big cumbersome people-carrier of a boat whilst other smaller boats gave way to us, waving and smiling as they did so. Waving was quite a feature of the trip – not just kids and not just other tourists either. The waves were accompanied with smiles, and we all know that smiling is contagious. So there we were sitting in the sun, moving on the water being welcomed by the locals and experiencing some proper Danish lykke.

Lykke translates as happiness. Happiness often feels fleeting and is a reaction or response to something or someone. It seems that Happiness is something that happens to me. Aristotle said, 'Happiness depends on ourselves' - so I have been thinking about how to create moments of lykke in the everyday.

I’m not sure if it counts as lykke but one of the lasting impressions I had from our visit to Copenhagen was people’s attitude when travelling. We travelled on foot, by boat, on the underground and by train. It wasn’t until a later conversation that I realised everyone had a very relaxed ‘live and let live’ attitude to moving around and getting from one place to another. The doors of the underground train would open and the people wanting to get on, waited. This was not waiting with gritted teeth and rolling eyes. People weren’t tensed hoping for any small gap in the flow of travellers to make their move. It happened crossing the road too. Gestures of 'thanks' or 'go ahead' were lacking but so was impatience or the entitled sense that this was somebody else’s right of way and not yours.

I’ve checked, and all is not perfect in Denmark – road rage does exist and it is on the rise. I realise my own experience of travelling in Copenhagen was brief and limited but it did get me thinking.

I have had reason to do a fair amount of motorway driving in the last month. I did not need to arrive for a strict deadline but that did not prevent frustration and rage welling up when observing people who cannot drive on a four-lane motorway. Although I enjoy driving, I do find myself easily frustrated and angered by fellow motorists who don’t seem to take others into consideration. This is particularly true if I am running late! I don’t want this to be the case. I would like to adopt a ‘live and let live’ approach to driving. Rather than judging mums for parking on the squiggly lines outside of a school, I’d like to be more empathic and patient. I am consciously trying to leave a little earlier for journeys and try and be more patient in my attitude – some days are easier than others!

It’s much easier to be present when you are away from home. Tasks and chores fade into the background. I know there are various books that give advice about how to be present whilst doing chores but I find it difficult to remember both the chore and the conscious thought to be present! Instead I am trying to engage with activities that cause me to be slower. I’ve been choosing to sit for a few minutes in the garden (without listing all the gardening jobs that need my attention). I’m also consciously trying to engage all my senses when I am in a new place. Even if there is nothing of note, the process is a calming one. I’ve even done a bit of cycling (highly recommended in The Little Book of Lykke by Meik Wiking.)Take a moment, and bring on the lykke!

 What choices do you make to bring a bit more happiness into your life?

Trick and Treat

No, it’s not Halloween come early or really late (depending on your viewpoint) it’s my perspective on resolutions for this year.

I was asked to provide some craft and other activities for an event on New Year’s Eve. It seemed obvious to consider resolutions but I was thinking of how to make it more accessible and fun. Resolutions can be enjoyable rather than simply focusing on bad habits or starting healthy ones. I began by thinking about the different areas of life; family, work, social, health & fitness, wellbeing and spirituality. In the style of 'here's one I made earlier' I began to think about what my resolutions for 2018 would be.

I realise we’re practically half way through January and you may feel the moment has passed for setting yourself a goal. The New Year is just one opportunity – it could be September, it could be the end of April or it could be tomorrow. Everyday is new and an opportunity to take a step towards your ‘good life’. It doesn’t matter when or where your journey begins, the important thing is simply to begin.

I could set myself the resolution of completing my novel or getting fit – both of which would be excellent goals for this year, but both seem too big and scary. Instead I have decided upon five different tasks that I want to try and incorporate – some for the year, some for a period of time. Each one will take me closer to the ‘good life.’ Some of these actions are tricks for my brain – they are steps on the way to those bigger goals and who knows, they may help me achieve them.

One of my steps is to have clear mornings. This means being at home, sitting at my desk and starting the day with whatever writing tasks I have set myself as priorities. I’m finding that I am getting more done, so I am feeling less concerned by what gets ‘achieved’ in the afternoons.

Another of my tasks is to walk (briskly and for a reasonable distance) three times a week. I have two lovely friends who are also free and happy to walk with me. This helps me keep on track. It’s much easier walking together rather than trying to complete all three walks on my own.

One of the things I wanted to do this year was something new and to make time for something I enjoy. With this is mind I recently found myself a piano teacher and booked a lesson. I had piano lessons growing up and reached Grade 5, but have not really invested any time or effort into keeping it up as an adult. I am hoping that some lessons will inspire me to tickle the ivories in our lounge more regularly. I don’t have a goal beyond having the lessons - I certainly don’t want to do any more grades! I hope that having made the little steps of booking the lessons and finding some pieces that excite me, the passion to play will follow.

2018 for me will be year of small steps; tricking myself into achieving bigger goals. The achievements will be treats in and of themselves. I have also chosen goals that are pure treat – that have no function other than bringing more variety and fun into my life. One of which is to watch a film of my choice once a fortnight. 

 “We love films because they make us feel something. They speak to our desires, which are never small. They allow us to escape and to dream and to gaze into the eyes that are impossibly beautiful and huge. They fill us with longing. But also, they tell us to remember; they remind us of life.”   

(Nina LacCour)

  I encourage you, take a step towards your dream and chase after the good life this year. Trick yourself into believing you can do it and then do it!

Happy New Year!

 

Off the hook!

A friend and I did some Christmas shopping this week, during our browsing we both commented that there are people we have yet to buy for because it is difficult to find something for them. I tend to worry a lot about this and there has not been a time (apart from when I was teenager) that someone has complained about their gift. It’s difficult to apply the adage ‘it’s the thought that counts’ to this situation as the other person clearly has no idea how much you are thinking (or worrying) about their gift.

 

This year I suggest letting yourself off the hook. You are not responsible for the happiness of another person – especially through gift giving. Maybe it’s time to ask the person what they would like or perhaps you can think of a different kind of gift – spending some time with them doing an activity they love or giving them something you have made are possibilities, but don’t stress about it. Life is already stressful enough.

Off the hook can be defined in a number of ways, I will be using the following;

‘free from obligation or guilt.’ Collins Dictionary

‘cool, fresh, happening.’ Urban Dictionary

It’s up to you to decide when I use each one.

Each Christmas comes with the baggage of previous ones. This may mean a rising expectation of excitement and joy. For others the season increases a sense of loss and grief because a loved one can no longer be present. It may be a painful time full of memories of disappointment, hurt, and angry words.

It can be difficult to know how to manage this melting pot of unspoken thoughts, memories and feelings. There are a number of options:

• Grit your teeth and bear it – it’s only one (or two, or three…) day(s).
• Wear yourself out trying to guess the wants and desires of everyone else and seeing if you can fulfil them.
• Hold a family meeting, expect everyone to be honest yet thoughtful and discuss how Christmas can float everyone’s boat.

Or aim for an ‘off the hook’ Christmas!

Allow yourself the gift of letting things be ok for Christmas rather than perfect. Perfection puts pressure on everyone, including you. Christmas does not have to be perfect. So, go with the flow, look for the humour and try something new – who knows what new memories and traditions may be created along the way.

There may be an opportunity to let someone else off the hook. Perhaps you received a crap gift or someone pushed your buttons (so easy to do at Christmas time). Remember all the thoughts, emotions and expectations Christmas brings up for you? Well, it’s highly likely this other person has a whole mish-mash of those for themselves. This Christmas be the bigger person; let them off the hook.

For when it all gets too much (and even if it doesn’t) plan some ‘me’ time. Go for a walk, listen to some music, read a book, meditate – whatever helps you relax. Let yourself off the hook – you do not need to be the social butterfly or domestic goddess of the season. Give yourself permission to simply be you.

Whatever you do this festive season, I hope you have an off the hook Christmas!