Off the hook!

A friend and I did some Christmas shopping this week, during our browsing we both commented that there are people we have yet to buy for because it is difficult to find something for them. I tend to worry a lot about this and there has not been a time (apart from when I was teenager) that someone has complained about their gift. It’s difficult to apply the adage ‘it’s the thought that counts’ to this situation as the other person clearly has no idea how much you are thinking (or worrying) about their gift.

 

This year I suggest letting yourself off the hook. You are not responsible for the happiness of another person – especially through gift giving. Maybe it’s time to ask the person what they would like or perhaps you can think of a different kind of gift – spending some time with them doing an activity they love or giving them something you have made are possibilities, but don’t stress about it. Life is already stressful enough.

Off the hook can be defined in a number of ways, I will be using the following;

‘free from obligation or guilt.’ Collins Dictionary

‘cool, fresh, happening.’ Urban Dictionary

It’s up to you to decide when I use each one.

Each Christmas comes with the baggage of previous ones. This may mean a rising expectation of excitement and joy. For others the season increases a sense of loss and grief because a loved one can no longer be present. It may be a painful time full of memories of disappointment, hurt, and angry words.

It can be difficult to know how to manage this melting pot of unspoken thoughts, memories and feelings. There are a number of options:

• Grit your teeth and bear it – it’s only one (or two, or three…) day(s).
• Wear yourself out trying to guess the wants and desires of everyone else and seeing if you can fulfil them.
• Hold a family meeting, expect everyone to be honest yet thoughtful and discuss how Christmas can float everyone’s boat.

Or aim for an ‘off the hook’ Christmas!

Allow yourself the gift of letting things be ok for Christmas rather than perfect. Perfection puts pressure on everyone, including you. Christmas does not have to be perfect. So, go with the flow, look for the humour and try something new – who knows what new memories and traditions may be created along the way.

There may be an opportunity to let someone else off the hook. Perhaps you received a crap gift or someone pushed your buttons (so easy to do at Christmas time). Remember all the thoughts, emotions and expectations Christmas brings up for you? Well, it’s highly likely this other person has a whole mish-mash of those for themselves. This Christmas be the bigger person; let them off the hook.

For when it all gets too much (and even if it doesn’t) plan some ‘me’ time. Go for a walk, listen to some music, read a book, meditate – whatever helps you relax. Let yourself off the hook – you do not need to be the social butterfly or domestic goddess of the season. Give yourself permission to simply be you.

Whatever you do this festive season, I hope you have an off the hook Christmas!

Good Morning?

How do you start your day?

A friend has been posting pictures from her morning routine. A number of changes have been going on for her and it has challenged me to consider how much the start of my day affects the rest of it.

I am not a morning person. As a result of teaching I have been forced to become more of an early bird. When I finished teaching I was worried that I would waste mornings as I had nothing definite to get up for. So it was with mixed feelings that I started an early morning job at the local newsagents. This means I am up by 5:20 and home by 7:30. This seemed the perfect solution to getting up and then having the day ahead of me ready for writing. Sadly it has not been that simple. I return home and make a hot drink (usually tea) and then treat myself to an episode of my favourite soap. Rather than preparing me for the day, this weakens my resolve and dampens my creativity so then I have a psychological battle to win before I even put pen to paper. I often end up procrastinating with housework, reading or checking e-mails!

There seem to be different schools of thought when it comes to creating positive morning rituals, but all agree that early is good and that times of work should be broken up with times of activity and times of rest. Some want the day to begin with vigorous exercise or cold showers (yuck!) Others suggest starting with meditation and goal setting and then getting straight into work. All agree that social media should be low on the list of priorities. It all makes a lot of sense; starting the day with activities that should fuel productivity and creativity and giving the best time to the things I say are my priorities. It all feels very intentional and a little formulaic (not my favourite ways of doing things) but I can see that this way could produce the results I’ve been searching for.

 

I did look for some inspiration from great thinkers and writers. Immanuel Kant started his day with a cup or two of weak tea and a pipe. He would then meditate. Barak Obama starts his day with a workout and then breakfast with his family. Darwin would start his day with a walk. Some crazies started their day at 4am, beginning with work and leaving exercise till later in the day. The common feature seems to be that there is a plan and purpose to their mornings. It doesn’t just happen and it certainly wasn’t hitting the snooze button to hurtle out of bed and into the day.

This has caused me to re-evaluate my mornings. I can’t do much about the time of my part-time paid job but I am considering how best to use my time once I arrive home and how best to create an environment that will promote creativity rather than procrastination. I began by considering what I would like to achieve before lunch and the time I would need to do this. It meant being honest about the procrastination and I expect there may be adjustments to make along the way. I (weirdly) feel quite excited to try it and feel it will give me greater confidence in saying ‘no’ to other activities.

Sometimes our circumstances dictate more of the morning routine, especially if there are little ones involved. Even in more restrictive circumstances, there are choices we can make that could make the difference between a good morning and a stressful one.

How do your mornings begin? 

What changes could you make to give you a better start to the day? I’d love to know any changes you have already made and what affect that has had.

Realignment

Having spent a lot of time on our sofa this week, I ended up watching a number of films. One of which was The Emperor’s Club. This is set in a boys’ boarding school and focuses on the lessons between a particular class and their teacher of ancient history. The teacher seeks to inspire the boys through the actions and words of Greek and Roman leaders. One boy who is more interested in making the boys laugh rather than learning refuses to be swayed by the teacher’s attention and enthusiasm. When the teacher meets with the boy’s father, the father asks, what is the point of teaching these ancient accounts? The teacher responds by talking about virtues and wanting to mould the lives of his students. The father is unimpressed.

 I think the idea behind the teacher’s efforts could be summed up by Aristotle’s words: “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.” Whether or not we are teachers, we all influence others by the way we live. This gives us great power and one might argue responsibility, to teach well.

Beliefs, words and actions that are aligned are powerful tools. To bring about real and lasting change all three must be in agreement. It is not to say that progress cannot be made without alignment. So often change begins as a thought or a word that is not truly believed and so behavioural changes rarely last. I was listening to a conversation between two comedians on a podcast. They were discussing being vegan. Whilst one could understand the other’s argument about why he should become vegan, he could not fully give himself to the change in lifestyle that this would require. The compassion he felt for the cows was not equal to the compassion he feels for himself in eating a cheese toastie. I am not vegan or judging him. It was just an interesting example, to see that the vegan’s arguments were accepted but this was not enough to affect behaviour.

Changing a lifestyle demands self-awareness and a kindness to oneself. Brutal honesty reveals the true outlook and kindness needs to be applied to help smooth the path of change. I have been through a process of looking backwards in order to see why current feelings and responses to situations occur. Some reflections have been painful, but it was also surprising to discover hidden beauty. It was these hidden, forgotten moments that allowed me to realign my beliefs. This is turn meant I was able to speak different words and act in new ways. The result was amazing and the impact beyond what I could have imagined. The situation involves others and is the reason I am not being more specific in my explanation.

A different, less successful example has been with my writing habits. A mentor recently recommended having five tasks to complete everyday. These should be achievable without specific word limits or timings. The overall goal is to complete five steps that move your writing (or other projects) forwards on a daily basis. I dutifully wrote my five tasks down and pinned them to my notice board. Three out of the five have been completed regularly and the fourth most days, but one task continues to elude me. Having spent a little time reviewing this process I have come to the conclusion that failure to complete the fifth task is because I do not fully believe I can do it. The fear of getting it wrong is still holding me back. Until I face the fear and move on in self belief progress will be slow. That is my challenge to work on my beliefs so that I can achieve some forward momentum with this task.

Discover Your Hygge

I have been watching The Ganges with Sue Perkins. In the first episode she makes the arduous trek to the source of the river and shares that the reason for this journey to India to give herself time and space to grieve. It saddened me that this is how she felt. I do not think it is true that we need to travel hundreds of miles, or experience another culture in order to delve into the deepest parts of ourselves. However, I think Sue is right that our lifestyles and culture often fight against the space and time that we truly need. It becomes a matter of recognition and choice.

First, I need to recognise that life is so busy and noisy that my inner self has no opportunity to stop, to think, or even breathe. Then, and this is perhaps the hardest part, I need to make time, create a space that will allow my inner self the chance to surface.

We fill our lives with tasks, technology and so many distractions that we lose out on time for our minds to wander. Our minds are full of to do lists and what’s next questions and half-started conversations with people that never seem to get completed because there is always the next thing to move on to.

Recently I was given the gift of some quality time and space; a friend paid for a visit to Kew Gardens. It was lovely. There was time for chatter and catching up. There was also space to be silent, to just sit and take in the amazing sculptures and plants. It was wonderful to audibly gasp at the vibrancy and variety and to consider the still, small voice behind it all.

I have been learning about the Danish concept of hygge – experiencing happiness or cosiness. This might be lighting candles in the evening, snuggling under a blanket with a book, wrapping up and staring at the stars, a bubble bath, putting the world to rights with a friend and your chosen alcoholic tipple or a whole host of other activities. My understanding is hygge is creating an atmosphere where the inner you sighs with pleasure, your senses are in some way cuddled and a feeling of well-being ensues.

Children create these moments without trying. I have had the pleasure of building inside dens. These become houses or boats, depending on the architect’s imagination. Why did we grow out of building dens? It’s such fun creating a space with all the softest furnishings and then adding a roof (to somehow make it feel more secret or mysterious). I’ll let you into a secret: sometimes I make a den and there are no children around. Try it. Read a book in it, take a nap, or have an indoor picnic.

In these moments my soul is a little less weary, a little less worn. It may seem frivolous to plan time to build a den, to stare at stars or to wander aimlessly in nature when there is so much to be done. Academics have ivory towers, MP’s take baths, and even Immanuel Kant took daily walks. It is time to discover your hygge.

Time for you is precious. Time to heal your soul is priceless. Therefore this time should be guarded. It won’t just happen; you will need to create it. Mark it in your diary and stop the world from encroaching on it. Go on try it, you might just like it.

Age Ain't Nothing but a Number

 

The significant birthday has been and gone. A number of people have asked me how I feel about turning forty. It doesn’t feel the big deal I thought it might. I realise I’m in the position of having both friends and family that will be thinking ‘Forty! That’s old.’ and others who will be thinking the opposite. I guess any new decade of age feels significant to the one entering it. The first two decades of life are met with excitement and then it seems, especially in our culture, any of the following decades are to be feared. I guess it is all tied up with regrets or what a person feels they should have done by the time they hit that particular decade, but there are all sorts of signs that getting older has its benefits.

I read in the paper today that People’s most beautiful woman in the world, this year is Julia Roberts (aged 49, if you’re wondering). Sadly, probably many would respond by saying that she doesn’t look her age – the greatest compliment someone older can receive right? We’re so obsessed with aesthetics and looking young, it is no wonder people try to slow down the aging process.  

Aging well is a matter of attitude. I have the privilege of knowing a number of individuals who are over seventy and have never-ending energy for the activities they passionate about. It was an honour to stand with a couple of them recently to support their vision of connecting with our local community. It is always a mistake to put people in boxes and age is no different. We colour our own experience and perception of others when we believe the lies of the media or assume one teenager or retiree is the same as another.

 

I noticed, when watching Bake Off this week, that those who were more vocal about the discomfort of the heat and the difficulty of making Italian sfogliatelle had the worst outcomes. We can talk and think ourselves into failure, unhappiness and fear, so the opposite is also true. Attitudes to growing old can be changed. It starts with my attitude and what I choose to believe. I want to check my thoughts and beliefs by making sure I’m part of activities and groups that encompass different ages, so that my beliefs are fuelled by real experiences rather than media stereotypes.

I have done a little reflecting on my last decade. I don’t think I would have believed that I would be where I am right now, if someone had told me when I turned thirty. A friend of mine had encouraged me to write a ‘dream page’ of goals to achieve – both short and long term. I found one I had written about eight years ago. I was amazed how many of the goals had come to pass. Some, I could remember thinking at the time seemed impossible, yet they have been fulfilled. For me, that makes the next decade exciting. I have no idea what might happen in the next ten years. There is a sense of a new beginning and I want to look forward. I have taken down my creative wall that I pinned up during the transition from teaching to writing. I am considering what I will be giving my time to, what will be my new short and long term goals. I shall be writing a new dream page. The trick with these is not to let your ‘inner editor’ have their say. It is ‘blue sky thinking’ – you are not meant to consider potential obstacles but to allow yourself to dream.

 

Something to Celebrate

Today is the first anniversary of this blog, which means it also a year since leaving teaching and starting writing. This blog started out as an exploration of what it means to live the good life. I don’t think it has veered too much off course, but I have been surprised by how it has reflected my own inner-life, rather than pure reflections on philosophical ideas and psychology.

This whole process has been a cycle of starting new things, learning new skills and then starting over again. Writing, reading, editing and making amendments feels very much like taking one step forwards and then two steps back. I am reminded of an earlier post when I wrote about how the first steps of a child are celebrated. * Often those first faltering steps are followed by stumbles and a fall. This year I have taken my first proper steps into writing. There have been moments of delight in sensing that I am making progress and moving forwards but there have been times of stumbles and falls. I am learning to pick myself up again and to use the steps taken as motivation to keep going.

A number of people have asked me how I can be self-motivated and keep on writing. I feel the expectation to say something wise and profound. The truth is I am finding it much like someone describes eating an elephant – manageable one bite at a time! Sometimes I am fed up of eating elephant and sometimes I am overwhelmed by the size of it. I recognise though that this time is a gift. I do not want to look back at my life and wonder ‘what if’ so I find things that enable me to keep going. One of them seems an unlikely motivator, but it works for me. There is a post-it on my desk that simply says ‘It’s always too soon to quit.’ I do not know what the outcome of all this writing will be, that is something that is out of my control but my response to whether I write is within my control – so it’s always too soon to quit!

This anniversary is an opportunity to look back, to reflect upon the highs and lows, the mistakes and lessons learned. It is also a chance to look forward, to set new goals and ideas into motion. Here in the present, is an opportunity to celebrate and be grateful.

I am grateful for this amazing gift of time and space to write. I owe this to the generosity and unwavering support of my husband, who was and still is willing to support me in giving up a paid full-time job to embark upon this writing adventure. I am grateful to you, the readers. Thank you for travelling this journey with me. For those of you who have commented, whether it is on the posts or in real life, I really appreciate you getting involved! Thank you to those who have spoken words of encouragement and belief in me – you are worth more than a million post-its! Thank you to my giraffe-otter friend – your proof-reading skills, advice and encouragement are priceless.

Although there is no call (yet) from the publisher, tonight we will celebrate. We have so much to be thankful for. And the little steps are worth celebrating just as much as the big ones. 

What small steps could you celebrate at the moment?

What helps you stay motivated?

What are you thankful for today?

*Elementary, my dear Watson

Dear Diary

When I was at secondary school my best friend kept a diary. There were times she shared parts of it with me. I felt honoured but I was also a little envious. Envious that she had the self-discipline to write everyday and that she felt free enough to share her thoughts on the pages. I have tried to keep a diary a number of times but I never found it easy to write something everyday and somehow it was disappointing not to be consistent.

There are famous diaries, ones to be read and that it is another thing I find daunting about it – either it is honest and an outpouring (my favoured approach) or it has to be written in a way that it can be read and is therefore censored. These were the only two approaches in my young mind.

As I embarked upon my year of writing, I read a lot of advice about writing everyday and I guess the obvious way of doing this, if you don’t have a writing project on the go, is to write a diary.

My diary writing has not taken the form of recording the events of the day but instead has become a record of books and articles I have read and my response to these. I’ve also made notes of observations, ideas and some reflections. Occasionally there is a more emotional outpouring which has proven to be rather cathartic but there is no sense that I have a record of my days for the last year.

Holidays have become times for keeping a diary. We’ve found it a fun way to remember activities we have enjoyed and the people we have met. Sometimes it has been a shared activity. This then is a diary for jogging the memory not for recording emotions and feelings. The entries have been read again, causing laughter and memories of things unwritten.

I used to think that a diary needed to be a prose account of the day. I would be nervous about starting new writing book, scared that I would mess it up. This year I forced myself to choose from beautiful notebooks I had been given and just begin.

It is a recommended practice in helping achieve wellbeing. It gives the opportunity to vent and address problems. It provides a record, allowing you to win arguments concerning forgetfulness! Life is so often busy and frantic that having a time and a place to stop and reflect is precious.

I have found it helpful to ignore what I perceive to be the rules of writing a diary and have enjoyed the freedom this has given me. I have discovered the freedom to doodle, add quotations, write thoughts that are not complete sentences and pour out occasional streams of emotion.

I would thoroughly recommend keeping a diary and doing it your way. You don’t have to wait for the New Year, just find yourself a book and a pen and begin!

 

I started keeping a diary in third grade and, in solidarity with Anne Frank, gave it a name and made it my confidante. To this day, I feel comforted and relieved of loneliness, no matter how foreign my surroundings, if I have a pad and a pen with which to record my experiences. Ariel Levy