Off the hook!

A friend and I did some Christmas shopping this week, during our browsing we both commented that there are people we have yet to buy for because it is difficult to find something for them. I tend to worry a lot about this and there has not been a time (apart from when I was teenager) that someone has complained about their gift. It’s difficult to apply the adage ‘it’s the thought that counts’ to this situation as the other person clearly has no idea how much you are thinking (or worrying) about their gift.

 

This year I suggest letting yourself off the hook. You are not responsible for the happiness of another person – especially through gift giving. Maybe it’s time to ask the person what they would like or perhaps you can think of a different kind of gift – spending some time with them doing an activity they love or giving them something you have made are possibilities, but don’t stress about it. Life is already stressful enough.

Off the hook can be defined in a number of ways, I will be using the following;

‘free from obligation or guilt.’ Collins Dictionary

‘cool, fresh, happening.’ Urban Dictionary

It’s up to you to decide when I use each one.

Each Christmas comes with the baggage of previous ones. This may mean a rising expectation of excitement and joy. For others the season increases a sense of loss and grief because a loved one can no longer be present. It may be a painful time full of memories of disappointment, hurt, and angry words.

It can be difficult to know how to manage this melting pot of unspoken thoughts, memories and feelings. There are a number of options:

• Grit your teeth and bear it – it’s only one (or two, or three…) day(s).
• Wear yourself out trying to guess the wants and desires of everyone else and seeing if you can fulfil them.
• Hold a family meeting, expect everyone to be honest yet thoughtful and discuss how Christmas can float everyone’s boat.

Or aim for an ‘off the hook’ Christmas!

Allow yourself the gift of letting things be ok for Christmas rather than perfect. Perfection puts pressure on everyone, including you. Christmas does not have to be perfect. So, go with the flow, look for the humour and try something new – who knows what new memories and traditions may be created along the way.

There may be an opportunity to let someone else off the hook. Perhaps you received a crap gift or someone pushed your buttons (so easy to do at Christmas time). Remember all the thoughts, emotions and expectations Christmas brings up for you? Well, it’s highly likely this other person has a whole mish-mash of those for themselves. This Christmas be the bigger person; let them off the hook.

For when it all gets too much (and even if it doesn’t) plan some ‘me’ time. Go for a walk, listen to some music, read a book, meditate – whatever helps you relax. Let yourself off the hook – you do not need to be the social butterfly or domestic goddess of the season. Give yourself permission to simply be you.

Whatever you do this festive season, I hope you have an off the hook Christmas!

Good Morning?

How do you start your day?

A friend has been posting pictures from her morning routine. A number of changes have been going on for her and it has challenged me to consider how much the start of my day affects the rest of it.

I am not a morning person. As a result of teaching I have been forced to become more of an early bird. When I finished teaching I was worried that I would waste mornings as I had nothing definite to get up for. So it was with mixed feelings that I started an early morning job at the local newsagents. This means I am up by 5:20 and home by 7:30. This seemed the perfect solution to getting up and then having the day ahead of me ready for writing. Sadly it has not been that simple. I return home and make a hot drink (usually tea) and then treat myself to an episode of my favourite soap. Rather than preparing me for the day, this weakens my resolve and dampens my creativity so then I have a psychological battle to win before I even put pen to paper. I often end up procrastinating with housework, reading or checking e-mails!

There seem to be different schools of thought when it comes to creating positive morning rituals, but all agree that early is good and that times of work should be broken up with times of activity and times of rest. Some want the day to begin with vigorous exercise or cold showers (yuck!) Others suggest starting with meditation and goal setting and then getting straight into work. All agree that social media should be low on the list of priorities. It all makes a lot of sense; starting the day with activities that should fuel productivity and creativity and giving the best time to the things I say are my priorities. It all feels very intentional and a little formulaic (not my favourite ways of doing things) but I can see that this way could produce the results I’ve been searching for.

 

I did look for some inspiration from great thinkers and writers. Immanuel Kant started his day with a cup or two of weak tea and a pipe. He would then meditate. Barak Obama starts his day with a workout and then breakfast with his family. Darwin would start his day with a walk. Some crazies started their day at 4am, beginning with work and leaving exercise till later in the day. The common feature seems to be that there is a plan and purpose to their mornings. It doesn’t just happen and it certainly wasn’t hitting the snooze button to hurtle out of bed and into the day.

This has caused me to re-evaluate my mornings. I can’t do much about the time of my part-time paid job but I am considering how best to use my time once I arrive home and how best to create an environment that will promote creativity rather than procrastination. I began by considering what I would like to achieve before lunch and the time I would need to do this. It meant being honest about the procrastination and I expect there may be adjustments to make along the way. I (weirdly) feel quite excited to try it and feel it will give me greater confidence in saying ‘no’ to other activities.

Sometimes our circumstances dictate more of the morning routine, especially if there are little ones involved. Even in more restrictive circumstances, there are choices we can make that could make the difference between a good morning and a stressful one.

How do your mornings begin? 

What changes could you make to give you a better start to the day? I’d love to know any changes you have already made and what affect that has had.

Realignment

Having spent a lot of time on our sofa this week, I ended up watching a number of films. One of which was The Emperor’s Club. This is set in a boys’ boarding school and focuses on the lessons between a particular class and their teacher of ancient history. The teacher seeks to inspire the boys through the actions and words of Greek and Roman leaders. One boy who is more interested in making the boys laugh rather than learning refuses to be swayed by the teacher’s attention and enthusiasm. When the teacher meets with the boy’s father, the father asks, what is the point of teaching these ancient accounts? The teacher responds by talking about virtues and wanting to mould the lives of his students. The father is unimpressed.

 I think the idea behind the teacher’s efforts could be summed up by Aristotle’s words: “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.” Whether or not we are teachers, we all influence others by the way we live. This gives us great power and one might argue responsibility, to teach well.

Beliefs, words and actions that are aligned are powerful tools. To bring about real and lasting change all three must be in agreement. It is not to say that progress cannot be made without alignment. So often change begins as a thought or a word that is not truly believed and so behavioural changes rarely last. I was listening to a conversation between two comedians on a podcast. They were discussing being vegan. Whilst one could understand the other’s argument about why he should become vegan, he could not fully give himself to the change in lifestyle that this would require. The compassion he felt for the cows was not equal to the compassion he feels for himself in eating a cheese toastie. I am not vegan or judging him. It was just an interesting example, to see that the vegan’s arguments were accepted but this was not enough to affect behaviour.

Changing a lifestyle demands self-awareness and a kindness to oneself. Brutal honesty reveals the true outlook and kindness needs to be applied to help smooth the path of change. I have been through a process of looking backwards in order to see why current feelings and responses to situations occur. Some reflections have been painful, but it was also surprising to discover hidden beauty. It was these hidden, forgotten moments that allowed me to realign my beliefs. This is turn meant I was able to speak different words and act in new ways. The result was amazing and the impact beyond what I could have imagined. The situation involves others and is the reason I am not being more specific in my explanation.

A different, less successful example has been with my writing habits. A mentor recently recommended having five tasks to complete everyday. These should be achievable without specific word limits or timings. The overall goal is to complete five steps that move your writing (or other projects) forwards on a daily basis. I dutifully wrote my five tasks down and pinned them to my notice board. Three out of the five have been completed regularly and the fourth most days, but one task continues to elude me. Having spent a little time reviewing this process I have come to the conclusion that failure to complete the fifth task is because I do not fully believe I can do it. The fear of getting it wrong is still holding me back. Until I face the fear and move on in self belief progress will be slow. That is my challenge to work on my beliefs so that I can achieve some forward momentum with this task.

Discover Your Hygge

I have been watching The Ganges with Sue Perkins. In the first episode she makes the arduous trek to the source of the river and shares that the reason for this journey to India to give herself time and space to grieve. It saddened me that this is how she felt. I do not think it is true that we need to travel hundreds of miles, or experience another culture in order to delve into the deepest parts of ourselves. However, I think Sue is right that our lifestyles and culture often fight against the space and time that we truly need. It becomes a matter of recognition and choice.

First, I need to recognise that life is so busy and noisy that my inner self has no opportunity to stop, to think, or even breathe. Then, and this is perhaps the hardest part, I need to make time, create a space that will allow my inner self the chance to surface.

We fill our lives with tasks, technology and so many distractions that we lose out on time for our minds to wander. Our minds are full of to do lists and what’s next questions and half-started conversations with people that never seem to get completed because there is always the next thing to move on to.

Recently I was given the gift of some quality time and space; a friend paid for a visit to Kew Gardens. It was lovely. There was time for chatter and catching up. There was also space to be silent, to just sit and take in the amazing sculptures and plants. It was wonderful to audibly gasp at the vibrancy and variety and to consider the still, small voice behind it all.

I have been learning about the Danish concept of hygge – experiencing happiness or cosiness. This might be lighting candles in the evening, snuggling under a blanket with a book, wrapping up and staring at the stars, a bubble bath, putting the world to rights with a friend and your chosen alcoholic tipple or a whole host of other activities. My understanding is hygge is creating an atmosphere where the inner you sighs with pleasure, your senses are in some way cuddled and a feeling of well-being ensues.

Children create these moments without trying. I have had the pleasure of building inside dens. These become houses or boats, depending on the architect’s imagination. Why did we grow out of building dens? It’s such fun creating a space with all the softest furnishings and then adding a roof (to somehow make it feel more secret or mysterious). I’ll let you into a secret: sometimes I make a den and there are no children around. Try it. Read a book in it, take a nap, or have an indoor picnic.

In these moments my soul is a little less weary, a little less worn. It may seem frivolous to plan time to build a den, to stare at stars or to wander aimlessly in nature when there is so much to be done. Academics have ivory towers, MP’s take baths, and even Immanuel Kant took daily walks. It is time to discover your hygge.

Time for you is precious. Time to heal your soul is priceless. Therefore this time should be guarded. It won’t just happen; you will need to create it. Mark it in your diary and stop the world from encroaching on it. Go on try it, you might just like it.

Age Ain't Nothing but a Number

 

The significant birthday has been and gone. A number of people have asked me how I feel about turning forty. It doesn’t feel the big deal I thought it might. I realise I’m in the position of having both friends and family that will be thinking ‘Forty! That’s old.’ and others who will be thinking the opposite. I guess any new decade of age feels significant to the one entering it. The first two decades of life are met with excitement and then it seems, especially in our culture, any of the following decades are to be feared. I guess it is all tied up with regrets or what a person feels they should have done by the time they hit that particular decade, but there are all sorts of signs that getting older has its benefits.

I read in the paper today that People’s most beautiful woman in the world, this year is Julia Roberts (aged 49, if you’re wondering). Sadly, probably many would respond by saying that she doesn’t look her age – the greatest compliment someone older can receive right? We’re so obsessed with aesthetics and looking young, it is no wonder people try to slow down the aging process.  

Aging well is a matter of attitude. I have the privilege of knowing a number of individuals who are over seventy and have never-ending energy for the activities they passionate about. It was an honour to stand with a couple of them recently to support their vision of connecting with our local community. It is always a mistake to put people in boxes and age is no different. We colour our own experience and perception of others when we believe the lies of the media or assume one teenager or retiree is the same as another.

 

I noticed, when watching Bake Off this week, that those who were more vocal about the discomfort of the heat and the difficulty of making Italian sfogliatelle had the worst outcomes. We can talk and think ourselves into failure, unhappiness and fear, so the opposite is also true. Attitudes to growing old can be changed. It starts with my attitude and what I choose to believe. I want to check my thoughts and beliefs by making sure I’m part of activities and groups that encompass different ages, so that my beliefs are fuelled by real experiences rather than media stereotypes.

I have done a little reflecting on my last decade. I don’t think I would have believed that I would be where I am right now, if someone had told me when I turned thirty. A friend of mine had encouraged me to write a ‘dream page’ of goals to achieve – both short and long term. I found one I had written about eight years ago. I was amazed how many of the goals had come to pass. Some, I could remember thinking at the time seemed impossible, yet they have been fulfilled. For me, that makes the next decade exciting. I have no idea what might happen in the next ten years. There is a sense of a new beginning and I want to look forward. I have taken down my creative wall that I pinned up during the transition from teaching to writing. I am considering what I will be giving my time to, what will be my new short and long term goals. I shall be writing a new dream page. The trick with these is not to let your ‘inner editor’ have their say. It is ‘blue sky thinking’ – you are not meant to consider potential obstacles but to allow yourself to dream.

 

Something to Celebrate

Today is the first anniversary of this blog, which means it also a year since leaving teaching and starting writing. This blog started out as an exploration of what it means to live the good life. I don’t think it has veered too much off course, but I have been surprised by how it has reflected my own inner-life, rather than pure reflections on philosophical ideas and psychology.

This whole process has been a cycle of starting new things, learning new skills and then starting over again. Writing, reading, editing and making amendments feels very much like taking one step forwards and then two steps back. I am reminded of an earlier post when I wrote about how the first steps of a child are celebrated. * Often those first faltering steps are followed by stumbles and a fall. This year I have taken my first proper steps into writing. There have been moments of delight in sensing that I am making progress and moving forwards but there have been times of stumbles and falls. I am learning to pick myself up again and to use the steps taken as motivation to keep going.

A number of people have asked me how I can be self-motivated and keep on writing. I feel the expectation to say something wise and profound. The truth is I am finding it much like someone describes eating an elephant – manageable one bite at a time! Sometimes I am fed up of eating elephant and sometimes I am overwhelmed by the size of it. I recognise though that this time is a gift. I do not want to look back at my life and wonder ‘what if’ so I find things that enable me to keep going. One of them seems an unlikely motivator, but it works for me. There is a post-it on my desk that simply says ‘It’s always too soon to quit.’ I do not know what the outcome of all this writing will be, that is something that is out of my control but my response to whether I write is within my control – so it’s always too soon to quit!

This anniversary is an opportunity to look back, to reflect upon the highs and lows, the mistakes and lessons learned. It is also a chance to look forward, to set new goals and ideas into motion. Here in the present, is an opportunity to celebrate and be grateful.

I am grateful for this amazing gift of time and space to write. I owe this to the generosity and unwavering support of my husband, who was and still is willing to support me in giving up a paid full-time job to embark upon this writing adventure. I am grateful to you, the readers. Thank you for travelling this journey with me. For those of you who have commented, whether it is on the posts or in real life, I really appreciate you getting involved! Thank you to those who have spoken words of encouragement and belief in me – you are worth more than a million post-its! Thank you to my giraffe-otter friend – your proof-reading skills, advice and encouragement are priceless.

Although there is no call (yet) from the publisher, tonight we will celebrate. We have so much to be thankful for. And the little steps are worth celebrating just as much as the big ones. 

What small steps could you celebrate at the moment?

What helps you stay motivated?

What are you thankful for today?

*Elementary, my dear Watson

Dear Diary

When I was at secondary school my best friend kept a diary. There were times she shared parts of it with me. I felt honoured but I was also a little envious. Envious that she had the self-discipline to write everyday and that she felt free enough to share her thoughts on the pages. I have tried to keep a diary a number of times but I never found it easy to write something everyday and somehow it was disappointing not to be consistent.

There are famous diaries, ones to be read and that it is another thing I find daunting about it – either it is honest and an outpouring (my favoured approach) or it has to be written in a way that it can be read and is therefore censored. These were the only two approaches in my young mind.

As I embarked upon my year of writing, I read a lot of advice about writing everyday and I guess the obvious way of doing this, if you don’t have a writing project on the go, is to write a diary.

My diary writing has not taken the form of recording the events of the day but instead has become a record of books and articles I have read and my response to these. I’ve also made notes of observations, ideas and some reflections. Occasionally there is a more emotional outpouring which has proven to be rather cathartic but there is no sense that I have a record of my days for the last year.

Holidays have become times for keeping a diary. We’ve found it a fun way to remember activities we have enjoyed and the people we have met. Sometimes it has been a shared activity. This then is a diary for jogging the memory not for recording emotions and feelings. The entries have been read again, causing laughter and memories of things unwritten.

I used to think that a diary needed to be a prose account of the day. I would be nervous about starting new writing book, scared that I would mess it up. This year I forced myself to choose from beautiful notebooks I had been given and just begin.

It is a recommended practice in helping achieve wellbeing. It gives the opportunity to vent and address problems. It provides a record, allowing you to win arguments concerning forgetfulness! Life is so often busy and frantic that having a time and a place to stop and reflect is precious.

I have found it helpful to ignore what I perceive to be the rules of writing a diary and have enjoyed the freedom this has given me. I have discovered the freedom to doodle, add quotations, write thoughts that are not complete sentences and pour out occasional streams of emotion.

I would thoroughly recommend keeping a diary and doing it your way. You don’t have to wait for the New Year, just find yourself a book and a pen and begin!

 

I started keeping a diary in third grade and, in solidarity with Anne Frank, gave it a name and made it my confidante. To this day, I feel comforted and relieved of loneliness, no matter how foreign my surroundings, if I have a pad and a pen with which to record my experiences. Ariel Levy

The Present: A Gift to Yourself

Holidays are a great opportunity to slow down, to take some time out. It is a chance to try new things and visit new places.

Once at our holiday destination no transport was used. Walking is a great way to slow down and take notice of ordinary life going on around you. Thanks to an app, we discovered that we walked on average about 6km a day. This is far more walking than I would do at home. At first my legs did not like the change, but after a few days the aches were gone and I was enjoying navigating my way around the ancient and modern parts of Edinburgh. I have promised myself that walking is going to be more of a habit now we are home. The distances have not been so significant, but choosing to walk is slowly becoming more of a habit. It has made me more aware of the environment I am travelling in and given me a greater appreciation of my feet and legs!!

Walking is a great way of people-watching in a city and listening into conversation. For fun I decided to listen out for snatches of conversation and record them. The process of slowing down, of listening out and looking around inspires creativity. It increases an awareness of others which in turn develops empathy and compassion.

The choice to be more aware of the present moment is available at any time. It is not just for holidays. Taking a moment to stop and use a different sense is relaxing. Somehow it brings both focus and a sense of appreciation for the more ordinary things in life. It doesn’t require a great deal of time, but choosing to be present, to observe, listen, smell, touch or taste can change our perspective. Moments can be savoured or pass us by. Our choices and attitude determine which will happen more often. If you’re asking yourself when? The answer is now. Stop and be still, just for a moment. What can you hear, see, feel, smell or even taste that makes you glad to be alive right now?

Just for fun, I decided to compile the sentences that I recorded when I was out listening on the streets of Edinburgh. They appear in their sentences exactly how I heard them, but each new line represents a different snippet of conversation. I have imagined a conversation between two people:

You’re looking very fit

What did you do with your bag?

I forget. I don’t know.

It’s got your name on it you prick

Do you want to walk up through the graveyard?

I just don’t want to be seen in public with you

What’s wrong?

I used the baked bean tin with the string to murder someone

Ooh dear

It’s Keith. No one’s going to run me over

I’m sure we can figure it out

A lot of girls do

She swore after the first one that she wouldn’t do it again, but she did

We were talking about strangers

I’ve never asked you what your PHD project is about

I’m only here for three days

Perfect

It’s eight o’clock

I can recommend a show

He doesn’t think he’ll make it through the show without a beer

They’ve been on the road for two months now

Anything interesting happen?

Mushrooms, ham, olives

She knows

Jealous? I just can’t feel like that.

I heard her say that.

She’s got about four GCSE’s

Why is she paid so much?

I agree, it looks bad

We’ll start a revolution.

Full face masks

Oh, is that how it works?

I’m not allowed to tell you why that will be important later

That was amazing

You’ve got to get your timing right

Beautiful Interruptions

We’ve just spent a fortnight in the amazing city of Edinburgh. The city is crowded with tourists, locals, performers and Fringers like us. For me these teeming streets exhale inspiration. Anything is possible. Thousands of people have crafted their shows, ready to entertain, shock and enthral. The creativity seems to ooze out of bodies and buildings, just waiting for bystanders to absorb.

We make a point of travelling down the Royal Mile (even though it can be at a slow and frustrating pace) because there are so many opportunities to chat with strangers. This is not something we generally do back in our home town (although I think we’re getting better) but it is something we look forward to as part of our Fringe Festival experience.

This year we met a girl called Alice, she was performing in two shows and we ended up talking to her for quite a while. We heard about some of her previous Edinburgh experiences, the tour of her show in Australia, her boyfriend and of course the shows she was promoting at the festival. We ended up going to both of her shows and enjoyed them. I happened to bump into her again on our penultimate day in the city. She was delighted to see me and keen to discover what other shows we had enjoyed. She then excitedly shared with me that her boyfriend had proposed and they were now engaged. She then thrust her hand with the ring in my direction. There is something both beautiful and intimate sharing moments like these with complete strangers.

Yeats wrote ‘There are no strangers here, only friends you haven’t yet met.’

A stranger we have befriended (some might say stalked) since our first visit to the Edinburgh Festival was performing his seventh fringe show. We were thrilled to discover his show had sold out both times we tried to see it. It meant a lot that he arranged to get us in anyway.

The atmosphere and the fact that a number of people are trying to get your attention (to give you their flyers) means it is easy to start up conversations. I know I find this much more difficult back at home. I am convinced that it is worth making the effort locally as these moments shared with strangers will be treasured just as much as the shows we have loved this year.

We’ve been trained to be wary of strangers and to obey public transport etiquette: eyes down, only speak when absolutely necessary. As a result we miss out on little joy moments in our day. These bring happiness to others too. One guy, handing out flyers, would start his patter ‘Hi, how are you?’ when we responded by asking how he was, he was taken aback and said ‘no one normally asks how I am.’

I am as guilty as the next person for rushing through life, particularly on journeys whether it’s walking or on public transport. We’re reminded to stop and smell the roses but there are people out there too; people who would love to be acknowledged and receive a smile. All too often we can feel invisible amongst a sea of faces. When someone smiles or takes the time to say a few words we feel acknowledged and connected. It is the start of community to acknowledge and recognise the people around you. It feels strange that a city has become another home to me. Even though it is 380 miles away and I have never actually lived there, it holds a piece of my heart. I think part of the reason is conversations with strangers. Even though they, like me, may not be locals, our shared experiences in the same location create a temporary community.

So next time you’re out and about or waiting in a queue, try starting a conversation with a stranger. Who knows where it could lead?

Can You Handle the Truth?

Captain Fantastic is a film that explores family, death and the American Dream. I loved this film. One of things that stayed with me was the father’s decision to tell the truth to his kids. There is an uncomfortable scene when he (Ben) and his six kids are having dinner with members of his wife’s family. One of the children asks a difficult question, the other adults answer in clichés and metaphors, but Ben responds with honesty. This is the way he has chosen to parent, with candour, even when it hurts or could be embarrassing.

This goes against the general rules for truth-telling. On the whole we believe we should tell the truth but we also might bend the truth or tell a small white lie to protect others. Clinical Psychologist, Jo Lambe defines a white lie as ‘a lie that if your friend, partner, parent or child found out, they would understand why you told it.’ Sounds reasonable and no doubt we can all think of situations or examples that would fit this definition. Lambe goes on to say ‘a dangerous lie is one we tell to protect ourselves, to stop anyone thinking badly of us.’

This makes it all more complicated.

Truthfulness, honesty and integrity are all highly esteemed by philosophers in all three major ethical theories: utilitarian, virtue and deontological. The first two allow for some caveats. If the consequences of lying lead to a better outcome than if the person told the truth, then the lie is permissible. This allows for the person to draw their own conclusions about the possible consequences of the truth and therefore potentially lie about situations that we would not consider morally ok. For example, by this logic Sally* could lie about the affair she is having because the truth will hurt her husband and their children. However, I am more interested in the less extreme lies we tell. Lies that cover up the disgusting dinner or the boring new boyfriend.

In considering my own lies, if I am honest (?!) the motives are not clear. I do not want to cause any hurt or offence, but underlying this motive is the desire to protect myself. I do not want you to think any less of me. I do not want to damage our relationship. Are these justifiable reasons to lie? Perhaps lying is a lazy form of communication. We cannot be bothered to deal with the issue or circumstance thoroughly and so we take the quickest or ‘easiest’ way out. Ultimately it could be more offensive to you that I choose to lie to you than tell you the truth. It suggests that I think you cannot cope with the truth, that you cannot handle a weaker, selfish me. Instead I have to feed you something that you will find palatable, that will make me look good (or a least not bad) in your eyes.

If we are to rely on our own motivations as a measure for how much truth we should tell, we are on dangerous ground. The lie that potentially protects you from harm, almost certainly does the same for me. The problem is this relies upon me making correct assumptions about you and the information you can handle. In my experience, people are surprising. My assumptions are not a good way of measuring whether or not I should tell a lie to protect someone. I am best at deciding lies that will protect myself. Is there really such a thing as an altruistic lie? Rather than thinking up white lies, perhaps we should become better at how we tell the truth.

* Some names have been changed.

Patience is a virtue!

I have been without my car for the last ten days. A problem I thought would be solved by my friendly RAC man proved too complicated for roadside assistance. It has perplexed the mechanics at my garage too. So I was left changing plans stranded at home during the days.

It was not so much the inconvenience of not having a car that rankled but the not knowing when or even if I would have the car again. The not knowing and possible outcomes clouded my thinking. The frustration at having to say ‘No’ to people and feeling out of control of that choice led me to realise how losing control in this area of my life was affecting my well-being. I’m sure there were other factors at work too, there always are – it’s never just one thing that goes wrong.

The day my car was returned was a total surprise. There was no proceeding phone call, just a ring on the doorbell and there was my car back on the driveway. There was a great sense of relief (both my husband and I had thought we might have to find a new car) and a sense of childlike excitement. I was surprised at how fun it was to get back behind the wheel. The pleasure was heightened by putting the roof down and turning the music up! Philosophers would argue that this is one of the benefits of patience; having delayed gratification the enjoyment of the end is that much sweeter. I don’t know that I practised patience particularly well. I didn’t have too much choice in the matter, but the waiting definitely renewed my appreciation for driving in general and my car in particular.

In the middle of the not knowing and the disappointment I began to think about what I had been learning during these months of stillness and waiting. I had been trying to listen less to the negative thoughts that would bring a halt to everything and trying to listen more to the positive. I had reached a self-imposed deadline in my writing, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t more to be done. Being at home meant jobs that otherwise would have been delayed, got done.

This change in pace brought a different kind of thinking and for the first time in a while I had a completely new idea, not related to either of the two books I am currently writing, it  was exciting and refreshing to dream about something new for a while. It had become all to easy to forget some of my early thoughts about giving time for creativity when creating narrative and characters have become daily habits.

Being ‘on pause’ has been a recurring theme of this year. It goes against my natural instincts and common sense. It is not a passive inactivity but more a restful quietness that allows for envisioning and inspired ideas to come to the fore.

This week has taught me that there is always room for more. The creative well is deep. Sometimes obstacles and tedious waiting allows for that space and time for new ideas to grow.

Emotional Health Check

Public exams are over. Speaking to an eighteen year old who had sat his last exam this week, he shared his feelings of relief but also worry. He was already thinking about results day; wondering if he could have done more, if he had failed.

I have experienced my own failure this week. The knowledge that nothing had really changed as a result was not as comforting as it should have been. There’s a horrible feeling that comes with failure, that sense of stupidity, of being a fool for thinking you could do better or even for trying in the first place. The feelings triggered memories of failing my driving test (a number of times) and the disappointment I felt seeing my A level results. Neither of which has prevented me from doing anything I wanted to. Those small feelings of defeat this week evoked strong feelings of inadequacy.

It is easy to find motivational quotations to help move on from failure. As a teacher it was fairly regular practise to educate pupils in the short comings of other ‘Greats’ in order to inspire and comfort. Examples like ‘I have not failed 10,000 times. I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will work.’ (Thomas Edison)

In order to adopt a positive perspective one must first acknowledge the distortions that failure often brings. Guy Winch, a psychologist, thinks that it is time that we close the gap between our physical and mental health. He makes the point that we spend more time taking care of our teeth than our minds.

When we experience emotional pain like rejection, failure and loneliness we are likely to go into our default setting, which for most of us is a negative place. We start to re-live past hurts and somehow convince ourselves that this current hurt is no surprise; we probably deserve it. Our inner voice is often so negative, if we spoke out loud those thoughts to a friend, they would be shocked. We are mean, hurtful and rude to ourselves in a way we would never be to a friend. One step towards emotional health is speaking to yourself with compassion. Take a step back and see yourself as a friend you care about, what would you say to them?

 

Another common response to emotional pain is rumination – going over and over the situation and dwelling on the consequences and feelings. This can easily spiral downwards and out of control. It is effectively like having a fall and cutting your knee, only to get a knife and start stabbing at it. We would never do this to a physical wound, why do we do it with our emotional ones? Distraction is one way of dealing with over-thinking. Guy Winch reckons just two minutes of distraction is enough but we have to keep making that choice when the negative thoughts come to do something distracting. It takes time and practise.

A quotation that I have found helpful this week is: ‘Failure is an event, not a person. Yesterday ended last night.’ (Zig Ziglar) It has been helpful to separate myself from the process and to acknowledge that event was in the past. Today is a new day, with new opportunities and challenges.

Be More Columbo

Back in November I wrote a post about learning and how this is an integral part of living the good life. At the time I had started learning Italian, reading books about writing and trying out new recipes. Now with my two major writing projects underway, these other projects have fallen by the wayside. An outing with children caused me to re-think my priorities with learning.

I was out with a friend and her children earlier in the week. She is home-schooling them and so each activity is turned into an adventure for learning. A walk to and from the park was filled with questions and imaginings; we discovered the place where the fox met the mouse (in the Gruffalo), we compared what streets are like in two different countries, searched for mushrooms, named wildflowers and helped a spy baby (a doll) make contact with her spy boss. The experience made me think how natural my friend is at drawing out the curiosity and creativity of her children.

As adults we question far less. Some would say this is the result of parents and teachers telling us to stop asking so many questions. Richard Saul Wurman (the original creator of TED conference) says ‘In school we’re rewarded for having the answer, not for asking a good question.’ There might be other reasons that people stop questioning; laziness, fear of looking weak and ignorant and the desire to succeed overwhelming our desire to finish well. As I write, I am aware that I have succumbed to all three.

Philosophers are those who do not tire of asking questions; ‘Philosophy may be defined as the art of asking the right question…’ Heschel. It was Socrates, the father of Western Philosophy, who believed that questions were both the beginning and the end of all learning. He taught others, his most famous pupil being Plato, through the art of questioning. These were not just any questions but those that would pursue thought in many directions and for many purposes. This has become known as Socratic questioning and has been adopted in education and psychology as a tool for gaining insight into the world and ourselves. 

When we stop asking questions one of the consequences is that we fill the gaps of knowledge with assumptions. We make assumptions about the world, but worse than that, we make assumptions about people. Strangers become little more than stereotypes and we diminish our nearest and dearest by not using our words to unravel more of who they are. Instead we begin to create them in our own image.

If successful businesses are those that rely on questioning innovators then perhaps good lives are those spent being questioning listeners? Those who dare to ask the difficult questions because they recognise this is the path to greater truth and awareness. I don’t like asking questions of others, I fear putting them on the spot. I think that if you want to tell me, you will. Maybe that’s true, but maybe I miss out on discovering more of who you are because I have made a choice for you. I have decided that there are parts of your life that you want to remain hidden rather than simply asking you the question. It is a challenge to consider whether I’m prepared to risk having my curiosity rejected or pursue a deeper truth about you.

My favourite TV detective Columbo was forever asking questions, from the seemingly irrelevant to the downright indelicate. Perhaps it is time we also resolved to ask just ‘one more thing.’