Become a Player!

 ‘You discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.’ Plato.

Over the summer I read a book called ‘Wired to Create’. This is an exploration of the idea that as humans we are all creative and that there are ways of helping us access that creativity in our lives. I was very surprised to find the quotation from Plato as a starting point for creativity and that playing had its own chapter in the book.

As a reader I was encouraged to think back to childhood games where my imagination was free and there were no boundaries in exploration. At my primary school we were very privileged to have an area of woodland where we could go during break-times. I can remember whiling away many hours creating dens, collecting conkers and variations of hide & seek. It seems odd to think of playing as an adult, although in my family it is a common occurrence to take part in board games. Growing up we had a family ritual of playing board games after Sunday lunch. My dad and brother continue to enjoy strategy board games and regularly host game nights in their homes.

More recently, I have experienced the joy of discovering and participating in the play-times of a nearly three-year-old. His excitement at chase in the park, hide & seek, making various vehicles go through tunnels or over ramps is infectious. Even mundane and everyday tasks become events to be celebrated. At a recent visit (during toilet-training) he rushed in beaming, to declare ‘I’ve done a wee in the toilet!’ Whilst I am not suggesting we should adopt this response to our own bodily functions there is I think something to be gained by trying to see activities in our lives in a more playful state of mind.

Sadly our culture values busyness, results and meeting targets - play cannot co-exist in these kinds of parameters. Yet psychologists are saying that playing has a positive impact in our lives; in our relationships it unlocks openness and intimacy. Play can heal hurts and resentments and it builds trust and intimacy. It also has huge benefits for creativity as play allows for an openness to new things, problem solving and it’s fun! I think there are barriers to being playful; we may fear embarrassment or ridicule. Some people may even think that the idea of adults playing is childish but a child at play is one who is creating, inventing and learning – who doesn’t want that?

As part of my preparation for writing this I listened to the TED talk of Dr Stuart Brown (no relation). I would recommend it, here is the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHwXlcHcTHc

He ends his talk by encouraging people not just to set aside time for play but to lead more playful lives so that playing actually becomes incorporated into everyday activities. As he was saying this I was thinking back to my earlier post ‘A balancing act?’ and found myself wondering if play is the answer to creating that sense of balance. It has also caused me to question what a playful life looks like and how can I become a Player of Life rather than fighting or fumbling my way through it.

As the weekend approaches I plan to think more on this, but more than that I intend to find time to play! Become a Player – go on, try it!

The ‘I’ we avoid

This week I have had to say goodbye to some special friends. We’ve known each other for over 10 years and they are off to start an exciting adventure on the other side of the world. One of the things that they have endeavoured to do well before they leave is to say goodbye. What I mean by this is that they have taken the time to meet with those who are important to them and share in the act of saying goodbye – they have shared their hearts and honoured their friends. In so doing they have called out the characteristics of individuals and memories shared that have brought joy to them which honours the person and the relationship. It has made me reflect on how I would want to be seen, how I want to be remembered by those who know me.

Having read an article this morning about the atrocities going on in Aleppo I was challenged to think about my own integrity. Christians are being tortured, raped and killed simply because they will not reject the beliefs they hold dear. They continue to stand for what they believe in despite the cruelty threatened and waged against them. It makes for uncomfortable reading; I am helpless to act on their behalf and the situation they find themselves in is so alien to me and yet I am challenged to think of my own standing. Does my life reflect the beliefs that are precious to me? Even in the last few days, I was asked a question that I didn’t want to answer for fear of having an awkward conversation or being rejected. Inside I am kicking myself – the fears are unfounded and I lost an opportunity to represent myself fully.

There is no Greek word for integrity, but this does not mean that the concept had no relevance to the Ancient philosophers. Aristotle emphasises the importance of consistency is a person’s character and actions. If this is all integrity is I’m not sure I fully subscribe to this definition. Some people have argued that by this kind of definition you can have a sociopath with integrity – one that is true to their sociopathic nature. When we call for more transparency in politics and long for our politicians to show integrity, I don’t think we are hoping that if they are liars they will be more consistent in their lying, we attach a measure of morality and virtue to integrity.

An online dictionary defines integrity in the following two ways:

1. The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.

2. The state of being whole and undivided

I really like this second definition, for me it suggests that integrity starts from within. If I am at war with myself then I will not be able to be honest or virtuous externally. It is fear that prevents me from being true to myself; fear of rejection. When I lack integrity, I am diminished in some way and therefore I am not flourishing.

Much of what is gained through integrity; trust, inner peace, serving as a role model are all things that Aristotle extols as virtues in and of themselves. Perhaps then, integrity is a by-product of living the good life.

What do you think it means to have integrity?
How important is it to be a person of integrity?
How do you think integrity can be developed?

"Friendship is like peeing in your pants...

...Everyone can see it but only you can feel the warm feeling inside." (Anon)

There were so many excellent ideas that definitely caused me to think about what it means to be happy and have a flourishing life. This week though I’ve been totally caught up with the impact of friendship and what this means for our lives to flourish. A couple of you did mention the importance of time with friends and how friends have taught you about happiness and flourishing.

Last week I saw ‘Bad Moms’ at the cinema – I was just expecting some fun escapism, which for the most part it was but it also had some things to say about friendship that got me thinking.

We seem to create our closest friends through school, college and university and I realised the importance of being known for such a long time when my mum died. Death is very unsettling and without fully realising it I felt very insecure. Having friends who had known me and my mum really made a difference. The sense of life continuing and the feeling of being known was so essential at that time.

I currently live in a town where many of the people I have met have grown up here and stayed. This feels like an alien concept to me and I often wonder what it is like to hang out with the people who knew you when you started your first day at school, learned to ride a bike, had your first kiss and now they see you bringing up your own kids.

In the film, there are a group of mums who clearly know each other and hang out together and then there are the misfits those who are judged because their life-style doesn’t meet the expectations of the other mums. Of course, the misfits join together and a significant bond is created because ultimately life has been running along and each has become lonely in their own life.

It surprised me to discover that Aristotle advocated friendship. He believed that friendship was foundational for cities to thrive and for real community to exist. He categorised three kinds of friendship but the most important friend was described by him as ‘those who wish the good of their friends for their friends’ sake who are friends in the fullest sense, since they love each other for themselves and not accidentally.’

Friendship seems harder as I’ve got older. It’s easy to neglect and take for granted friendships of the past but their value is priceless. Lives that once ran in parallel through school or university have diverted to follow careers, marriage, kids. Sometimes it can feel like you’re starting the friendship all over again, but there is richness there from shared memories. Past joys and pain blend and bind the times apart and as a result, intimacy blossoms.

Moving in new circles requires some kind of ‘breaking in’ to forge new relationships where ones already exist. Aristotle writes that the ingredients for true friendship are time and intimacy. Sometimes it is frustrating that these do not happen more quickly. Aristotle himself would warn against this but in our time-poor culture are we taking the time to cultivate these intimate relationships? Whilst friendship cannot be manufactured, there are lessons that can be learned and it seems odd that we rarely receive any teaching on how to be a friend.

How vital is friendship to your flourishing?

What lessons have you learned about friendship?

What lessons would you pass on?

A Balancing Act?

Thank you so much to those of you who have shared your thoughts about what happiness or flourishing means to you. Sorry that many of you have had problems commenting on the actual blog – it seems you need to be connected to one of their systems.

I don’t know if there are Aristotle fans out there but you clearly are an intelligent bunch – much of what you shared falls into Aristotle’s four key areas for a flourishing life:

Physical – nourishment, exercise, rest

Emotional – Giving and receiving love

Social – Relationships that allow for trust, sharing and fun

Rational – time to pursue knowledge, reflect, express and create

Finding a ‘work-life balance’ is a buzz-word phrase of the moment and I’m beginning to think a rather misleading one. There are a number of implications that I don’t think I’m happy with. For example, there’s a negativity attached to the work side of the equation. We are pretty negative when it comes to work in our society – we celebrate Fridays and bemoan Mondays. The phrase also implies a strong separation between the two which again is not a true reflection of life for many people. Work may be the

Millstone around your neck, but it doesn’t have to be. For many people work is a joy and it allows them to reflect who they truly are. Work situations become a matter of choice either you find joy in what you do or something needs to change – it might be your attitude to the work or the job itself.

It has been interesting for me shifting from a resources rich/time poor situation to a limited resources/time rich one. This requires a realignment of priorities and choices that fits more with the idea of life being like a puzzle than the concept of balancing one thing against another. I have spent time over the summer considering how I am going to cope with the changes that more time brings. How am I going to structure my day? My week? It has been challenging – there are all sorts of distractions and all sorts of voices that would impact on this new adventure. But, if I think about it, the same was true in teaching – there were still choices to be made about how to create a life that was worth getting up for.

A number of people in my life are in similar positions – some have changed their job situation, others have a brand new life to take care of and others are facing the ‘empty nest’. Life is constantly changing. Each time is an opportunity to create balance, to chase after what is good. I’m still finding my way – it helps to consider Aristotle’s four areas (I think he missed one, more on that another time) and I find it helpful to write – there is a technique known as ‘free-writing’ where you write without editing your thoughts, the words are simply allowed to flow out of you. I am learning that I set myself high expectations – unrealistic ones. I love a ‘to do’ list and I am making weekly ones to set myself goals. I also love a sense of achievement (ticking the ‘to do’ list!) Already these lists have incomplete or non-started jobs on, but I am also learning that this is ok.

What are your thoughts about ‘work-life balance’?

What are your tips for bringing balance into your life?

What areas of your life do you feel need realignment at the moment?