Saving the best for last?

These sudden ends of time must give us pause.   

We fray into the future, rarely wrought

Save in the tapestries of afterthought.

More time, more time. Barrages of applause   

Come muffled from a buried radio.

The New-year bells are wrangling with the snow.

Year’s End by Richard Wilbur

Considering the inevitability of it, it is strange that death is seldom a topic of conversation. We seem to have a strange relationship with time; we frequently complain that we never have enough, yet when it comes to preparing for death we think we have all the time in the world.

This year seems to have been punctuated with a number of unexpected deaths. From the well-loved and famous to the anonymous lives taken in hatred and fear through war and terrorism, this litany of loss has put death on my mind a number of times this year.

When death occurs it is seen as an appropriate time to speak about the person who has died; their accomplishments, memories and personal affirmations. I wonder how often the people making these declarations made them clear to the person when they were alive.

It has become common to speak of a ‘bucket list’ and there are now books to inspire you with things to do, see and places to visit before you die. Perhaps there are acts that one regrets on one’s death bed – it’s widely recognised that ‘spending more time at the office’ is not one. I wonder what a bucket list of things you want to say would look like. I realise that it is scary to tell someone how you really feel about them. It’s easier to say something prosaic, rather than an individual compliment or a personal affirmation. A recent TED talk that I listened to described how two sisters decided to embrace difficult truths in order to face a painful operation and their mortality.* As a result their relationship was transformed and they reached a greater intimacy. It was challenging and inspiring.

In class, pupils would discuss the benefits and concerns of euthanasia (as part of their learning about medical ethics). The discussions were often heated and I would tell them that it was highly likely that they might be the first generation that would influence the law on this issue. If that is the case, maybe we all have a responsibility to talk more about death. Not just the practical or ethical details but things that we want to do and say before death takes away our opportunity to do so.

Growing up we had a number of things that were for ‘best’ rather than everyday – a best dinner-set, table cloth, or an outfit for example. New things would be bought and saved until the thing they were replacing truly fell apart. It was as if we were saving the best for last. It sometimes seems that we take this attitude to sharing those important things with the ones we love. We save them up for such a time – sometimes a wedding but more often than not it becomes their funeral. Why do we do this? Surely it is so much more meaningful to share those memories, those affirmations when the person at the centre of these words is there to hear it.

I don’t want to save the best for last. I want to savour the good now. I want to try and be braver; to be more thankful and truthful with those who connect with my life before it’s too late.

 * TED talk

Present Your Presence

 

It’s really nearly Christmas! There’s still time though to scurry around for the last gift or the extra roll of wrapping paper you were sure you wouldn’t need. Presents seem to present an extra stress; some people are so difficult to buy for, others just ask for money but it somehow feels wrong just handing over an envelope rather than a wrapped gift.

One of the early chapters of the book I’ve been reading, (‘What Matters Most?’ by Brian Draper), focuses on the art of being. As I’ve read it on the run-up to Christmas it has caused me to consider the best present we can give one another is our presence. It’s so easy to get caught up in the activities of Christmas that we can miss being present with one another.

This isn’t just about turning up. It is an active seeking to be there with the person or people. No phones, no gadgets, no distractions. An emptying of oneself in order to see the fullness of the other person. It requires me to let go of my agenda, of my need to be heard and seen and instead to truly see you. That’s hard. So often insecurities surface, the need for approval surpasses my ability to just be with you.

A friend of ours has recently been bereaved and Christmas will not be the same without her dad’s presence. It’s so easy to take family and friends for granted; to wish away cramped gatherings and boisterous meal times but it’s their presence we’re really there for isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong – I love presents – ‘gifts’ is one of my top love languages* but I know if had to choose, I’d want your presence rather than your presents every single time.

Since leaving teaching I have developed some regular routines to be with people. Initially there was a powerful urge to want to do something in that time. I wanted to be able to achieve something for that person, perhaps through practical help or advice. I have struggled to ‘be’ rather than to ‘do’ even when I have proactively tried to focus on being present with them. However, there have also been small glimpses of being more aware and more connected. I want to live here more.

Small things can help us to feel more present – I have participated in a mindfulness exercise where you focus on a raisin. Using all your different senses you observe the raisin, concluding with taste. I will be honest and tell you that I didn’t find this particularly helpful – I was mostly trying not to laugh! Animals can help us feel more present. When Watson is cuddly, I am reluctant to get on with my next task, I want to savour the moment, his softness. The other morning he smelled of chocolate hobnobs (no idea why) and all morning I would take a moment to breathe in the chocolatey scent. Animals simply are. The challenge then is to be present with people and my environment. Christmas is a stressful and emotional time but if I allow myself to be held back by past hurts or worried about the future, I miss out on this present.

What are the moments in your life when you have felt ‘present’?

How can we be more present in our lives?

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and the joy of knowing greater presence in your life.

Telling Tales

A Christmas letter, an open house - both ideal for reflecting back on another year having passed. I was invited to an open house this week. I only knew the person hosting, but people were very willing to chat and listen. It soon became an opportunity for learning, as one lady was struggling to find a present for her son and daughter-in-law. Immediately, others in the room were sharing their suggestions and previous successes with past ideas. A solution was found that satisfied the needs of the lady and I felt warmed by the willingness of strangers to offer their help and advice.

It’s sad to think that there are many who will not have the chance to share their stories of the past year. As adults it seems we forget our love for and even our need for storytelling. A couple of years ago we went up to the Edinburgh Festival and I involved myself in a little project – to interview people that passed me on the street. I had a number of questions designed to allow people, (if they wanted) to share some of their Story with me. I hadn’t expected to be so moved or feel so privileged that people would share their greatest fears, their saddest moments and successes with me, a total stranger. Everyone has a story.  At Christmas when we gather with friends we have not seen for a while and extended family members it seems an ideal time to share some of those stories.

My husband volunteers for a phone help-line and so often the caller just needs someone to listen to their story. We can be so quick to relate a tale to our own lives or offer advice, when most often all that is needed is a listening ear.

In other cultures storytelling is at the heart of community, and I guess we have a sense of this with Nativity plays, pantomimes and our favourite Christmas films but the idea of sharing our own story with one another seems to be lost. I have never celebrated a Thanksgiving, but I like the idea of sharing something that you are thankful for – I wonder if this ever develops from a simple word into little stories of thanksgiving. This year could be the time for a new Christmas tradition – the opportunity for each person you’re with to share something about this last year that is meaningful for them.

At the heart of Christmas is a story. It gets re-told in so many ways that we may feel an over-familiarity with it. These adaptations of the Biblical accounts give us the big picture but I wonder what you would discover if you were to look at the events from the perspective of just one character. What would it have been like to be a shepherd; hearing the message of the angels, being the first to see the baby? How about a wise man – would they have had doubts about where they were going and what they were doing? How would it have felt to be an angel travelling to earth to broadcast the birth of the baby? The innkeeper’s inconvenience, the scandal of Mary’s pregnancy, the commitment of Joseph to protect Mary and Jesus are all aspects that it is easy to gloss over.

This Christmas there is an opportunity; once the presents are unwrapped and the dinner lies heavy in your tummy to be both a storyteller and a listener. Everybody has a story, sometimes they need encouragement to speak it out but often we all gain from hearing about the experiences of others.

There are no questions this week, instead I’m inviting you to share something from this past year that has meant something to you. It may be a challenge you have overcome, something or someone you are thankful for, a success, a sadness – anything that has importance for you.

Naughty or Nice?

“He's making a list,
And checking it twice,
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town!”

Who’s been naughty? Who’s been nice? Questions we might ask small children around this time of year. This perpetuates the idea that those who have been good will be rewarded and those who haven’t won’t and satisfies our desire for justice.  But I reckon it would be pretty hard to work out – naughty and nice sounds like opposite ends of the spectrum but people rarely live in extremes. So how would you do it? Weigh up the good vs. the bad and see which ‘pile’ is bigger? Would it simply be a case of numbers – more nice acts win over less naughty ones? Would the consequences or the motivation matter? Sounds tricky to me, glad I’m not Father Christmas!

It has made me think about actions and in what way these make up the whole of our life-style. Is the good life simply one full of good habits? We may describe someone as a generous person.  Are we just describing their generous actions or is there something more fundamental which turns generous actions into a generous person?

Christmas is traditionally a time when our goodwill extends to ‘all men’, which sounds great and I know a lot of people act on this during the run-up to Christmas.

As I have perused Facebook recently there seems to be a lot of goodwill being extended; a friend is considering how she may better serve her neighbourhood, another is working with a group to handout food baskets to people struggling to make ends meet, and others are following the Bible Society’s Advent challenge, which gives three activities each day that focus on being generous and spreading goodwill.

I however, experienced my own inner Scrooge last weekend, as I admit to feeling rather badgered and overwhelmed by volunteers shaking buckets, clipboards being waved at me and seeing homeless people prop themselves up by cash-points down the centre of the city. It’s not that I think these people are undeserving of my help but my primary feeling was one of guilt rather than joy at being able to offer my money or help.

It has made me consider the relationship between our actions, our habits and our character. A friend recently asked me if it is possible to change. I responded with a definite ‘Yes!’ but it strikes me that some things are easier to change than others. Over the last few months changes have occurred, new habits have been formed but I have been frustrated that there are some habits that have not integrated themselves into my lifestyle. This has left me questioning, why some and not others? Time is an obvious limitation but are there other universal limitations? Is it possible that regardless of the hope of reward a child will always be more naughty than nice?

Aristotle believes that “Excellence is an art won by training and habituation….We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” Perhaps some changes take more time – 21 days is often put forward as the magic number of days but I have done some research and others say it can take anywhere between 18 – 254 days – so there’s still time!

Is there a direct correlation between our actions and our character?

How strongly do you agree with Aristotle that ‘we are what we repeatedly do.’?

What helps you create change in your life?

Letting go

Letting go is a phrase often used in relation to difficult situations where we need to let go of a relationship or perhaps a person in order to move on. It has struck me recently that perhaps we need to learn the art of letting go in smaller areas or less obvious areas of our lives.

Up until a week ago I had dyed red hair. The decision to cut it all off was in response to a number of pressures I was feeling. About a month ago, after my birthday, I was thinking about the future and the next birthday - a significant one. The pressure to stay young and beautiful is immense. Our society seems to have one answer about how to deal with the changes your body goes through as you age and that is to do all you can to stop it and slow it down. This solution does not touch the heart of the issue; to keep my value and sense of worth regardless of what I look like. Society places a high value on physical beauty even though we are all too aware that this will fade. I decided to go for a drastic hair-cut; grey hairs showing, no locks to hide behind. I don’t know how I will feel about the grey in the weeks and months to come. It is highly likely I will give in to the pressure to cover up in order to be acceptable but I wanted to do something to show the internal letting go of society’s conventions about beauty.

Two people have recently discussed with me Alicia Keys’ decision not to wear make-up in photo-shoots. Many have found her decision ‘brave’, as again the pressure to cover up flaws and enhance our assets is huge. Some have criticised her for being ‘anti-make-up’ but this seemed to be missing her point, as she responds, “I don't want to feel beholden—to have to do it.” (Alicia Keys)

During a fortnight when I have been encouraging teenagers to value themselves and be true to who they are, I have felt challenged to consider what this means for myself. It is so easy to get caught up in the ‘way things are’ without questioning the effects or thinking about if this is truly who I want to be.

Another area that I have felt challenged to ‘let go’ is in my wardrobe. Since leaving work I had got rid of very few ‘work clothes’, telling myself to just ‘see how it goes’. As I have been reading ‘What Matters Most?’ by Brian Draper, I have been reflecting on the things in my life that I give value to, that actually do not have any real significance. I realised that I put some kind of security in the idea of having a variety of clothes. So I’ve had a big clear out freeing up drawers and wardrobe space – and the plan is not to re-stock! I’m trying to build up the courage to tackle shoes!!

As autumn has turned to winter, the natural world is doing the same; the trees are letting go of their leaves in order that something new may come. With the New Year approaching and this being the typical time of change and resolution I wonder if the season of Advent is meant in part to be a season of letting go. This could then allow us to make room for the changes and newness that the New Year will bring. 

We're better, connected

 You are not a human being in search of a spiritual experience. You are a spiritual being immersed in a human experience. Teilhard de Chardin

In my second post I referred to four areas of life that we try to balance in order to live the good life:

• Physical – nourishment, exercise, rest
• Emotional – Giving and receiving love
• Social – Relationships that allow for trust, sharing and fun
• Rational – time to pursue knowledge, reflect, express and create

A friend provoked me to come back to my thoughts on this and that I had said that perhaps Aristotle has missed something. It has taken me a while to do so because I am not convinced that I was right before, but it has left me pondering ideas about spirituality and where this fits within these four areas.

For me, the term spirituality seems to have lost its meaning – there are those that shy away from the religious overtones and those who are reluctant to embrace wiffly-waffly hippy gobbledygook.

Having spent time last week considering what it means to have identity I have concluded that we have two fundamental needs; to belong and to have value. All other philosophical questions stem from these two needs. Whether we consider ourselves to be philosophical or not, we are driven to find responses to these two needs. The ancient Greek philosophers put the highest value on reason. Plato thought we should be governed by Philosophical Kings and in the current political climate this doesn’t sound like a bad idea – having leaders who think before they speak and act! However this is also quite an elitist point of view. Not everyone can be a philosopher (perhaps that is their point) but high value was given to contemplation by both and that is something everyone can do.

It seems to me that when we look around that is exactly what people are looking for; the rise in interest in activities like mindfulness, meditation, yoga and the like are all signs that people recognise a need to go beyond themselves and the daily routine of life. People shy away from the term ‘religious’ and with good reason – religious people are either portrayed as dried up, fusty, old fashioned people or extremists who will go to any lengths to get their message across. The truth is much more complicated than that.  The origins of the spiritual activities listed above are interwoven in religion.

This week I have been considering how to put into words ideas about spirituality and religion without using those terms as they seem so fraught with stereotypes and assumptions. If we have the need to belong and to find value I believe that finding sources for those needs are spiritual activities because at the core of these needs is the truth that we are connected. There are obvious ways in which we are connected to individuals; through blood, love, friendship. Our connectedness is broader still which is why it makes a difference when a stranger smiles at you, when you share something amusing just with your eyes on the train. Our connectedness extends beyond ourselves to the natural world which is why the smell of the sea or the wind in your hair, the sight of a beautiful sunset or the flame coloured autumn leaves evokes emotions, stirs something internally, lifts our spirit. It doesn’t have to, and I guess all too often it doesn’t. We walk around so preoccupied with our thoughts we miss these connections with others and the world around us.

For me there is a final piece to the connection puzzle and that is being connected to the ‘Connector’. There are definitely ways that I can look for ways in which to belong and find value that ultimately will leave me disconnected and alone, so I need a context for my connection and for me that is the one who put it all in place in the beginning.  For in him we live and move and have our being. (Acts 17:28)

So is O2 right, is ‘A more connected world a better world’?

Are belonging and value our deepest desires?

What does spirituality mean to you?

Be kind to yourself

I’m giving a talk to a group of teenagers next week about identity and sexuality – a big subject! As I have sifted through my research, I have come to the conclusion that the one big thing I want them to go away with is – ‘be yourself and be kind.’ This is probably a big ask for them. There are so many pressures on them to conform to whatever the societal standard is, to give themselves a label all in the midst of hormones, exams and probably a hundred other complicated situations and decisions.

But it’s not just teenagers that need to know it’s ok to be themselves, to be kind to themselves and one another - we need it too. There are the pressures on all of us to fulfil the milestones: find the perfect career, the house, the partner, have kids, be financially secure… and within each of those areas are probably other areas of pressure that can cause anxiety and depression.

Even today some of my friends are making a stand against being questioned about decisions in their lives that they feel are private ones. No one wants to be asked when they’re going to settle down or have kids or buy a house. The truth is that we can only be who we are right now. So much external pressure comes from questioning our futures, and really this is out of our control.

On Monday I will be standing in front of over 100 teenagers who will be feeling the pressure to be in a relationship, to text someone a private image of themselves, to identify their sexual orientation, to find their value. I really want them to learn that it is ok to be who they are right now, to be kind with themselves about the issues and questions that they find confusing and to find someone safe that they can talk to. Maybe the particular pressures change slightly as we get older but maybe we still need the same advice.

Sainsbury’s have their ‘Be good to yourself’ range encouraging us to eat things that will nourish our bodies but I think that nourishing our souls (if you don’t like that word, then who you essentially are) is equally important. I wonder how often we do that. I wonder how often we let ourselves off the hook. Rather than trying to rush forwards, I want to focus on ways in which to be more me, right now.

When did you last tell yourself ‘well done’ for something you achieved? Our inner voice is often so negative – you wouldn’t say those things to your friend, why do you tell yourself ‘you’re having a bad hair day’ ‘You can’t do that!’ ‘Your bum definitely looks big in that!’ It’s difficult to be good to ourselves. Perhaps we think it is overly sentimental, too ‘American’ or too arrogant to say good things to ourselves. But the sad thing is many of us have spent a long time soaking up the negative views of others and believing that somehow we are not good enough.

Do not conform but be transformed – we buy into the media hype, the cultural lies and find ourselves drowning in ‘shoulds’, ‘oughts’ and ‘what ifs’ – the alternative is scary, cos the alternative is saying “No” and doing life a different way. It takes courage to go a different way, it takes a change of perspective to let things go and try again, it takes perseverance to believe things will get better. 

 

What pressures are you under to conform?

What words of encouragement could you say to yourself?

What activity would be a kind act to yourself?

Dear Friend...

   

                                                                                         

One of the massive benefits of not having a 9 – 5 job anymore is being freer to catch up with friends. Some of these catch-ups have become regular events in my diary and I am greatly appreciating sharing my life with these special people in a way that was not possible previously.

During some of these encounters I have wanted to say more, share more deeply but somehow the face-to-faceness of it all has held me back. I have been reminded that I felt similarly at school and my best friend and I used to write to each other on a daily basis after school. Although we would spend time at school together, both of us found it easier to share the more personal stuff on paper. I can recall the anticipation of waiting to read her next instalment. I still have those letters – there are folders of them. I was reading something recently about photos being the possession that people would save from a fire, I would have to add letters to that. My husband thinks it odd that I save my letters and cards in shoeboxes and perhaps it is a little sentimental but the re-reading of these communications creates immediate memories and when I tried to get rid of some recently, I found myself both laughing and crying at accounts of my sister’s life in Nepal and missing what now feels like simpler times as I re-read notes of jokes from 6^th form days. I couldn’t get rid of one – there is plenty of room in the garage!

A letter is so much more than the words on the page because something more tangible is being exchanged. You end up holding the paper that they handled. A piece of their world has entered yours and you get to keep it.

Perhaps I will be sounding old as I post this but in an age of technological communication I believe to lose letter writing is to lose something precious. I was a little surprised to find that there are books written on the topic of writing letters, one of which by J Willis Westlake dates back to 1876. Within its pages he describes rules on composition, what to do with mistakes (re-write the entire letter, of course) and even advice on what kind of paper and ink to use. Whilst I think some of his details and rules are superfluous the act itself provides a treasure for the moment it is received but also if kept for years to come. Westlake himself says ‘There is no other kind of writing that possesses for us such a living human interest, as letters, for there is no other that comes so near to the private lives, ‘to the business and bosoms’ of the writers.’

My sister has so impressed me with her letter writing. She wrote to me regularly whilst she and her family were overseas and now she writes weekly to her sons, both of whom are now at university. So perhaps with the season of Christmas approaching now is a good time to reconnect with the art of letter writing and perhaps deepen some relationships as a result. I’m sure it will do me good to reflect on the special people in my life and maybe some goodness will find its way into an envelope.

‘A good handwritten letter is a creative act, and not just because it is a visual and tactile pleasure. It is a deliberate act of exposure, a form of vulnerability, because handwriting opens a window on the soul in a way that cyber communication can never do. You savor their arrival and later take care to place them in a box for safe keeping.’ (Catherine Field, writing for the New York Times)

  

No questions this week – just an encouragement to put pen to paper. If a letter feels too daunting, start with a card!

Elementary, my dear Watson

This week I have been totally preoccupied by our new kitten, Watson. He has thrown my whole routine out and after taking up residence in the room where I write has quickly found a place in my heart too.

He is nine weeks old today and has experienced a steep learning curve; separation from his family, two new strange humans and a whole new environment to explore.

Upon arrival he was understandably nervous and responded to new sights and sounds by arching his back and the occasional hiss. This would be followed by an unbalanced skittish walk to his place of safety (between the desk and the skirting board). Although this was amusing, it was also frustrating. I wanted so much to be able to explain to him that he did not need to be afraid. Over the past few days he has been slowly learning that we are safe. Now when we come to see him he runs to meet us at the door. New objects, especially ping-pong balls, are still things that cause him concern, but he is beginning to look to us for reassurance.

I have been pondering the learning process of a kitten, my friend’s toddler and a polyglot – Richard Simcott. Richard Simcott has learnt over 30 languages. He regularly speaks in 5 different languages at home and uses more in his job as Languages Director at Emoderation Ltd. Although he started learning languages at school they continue to fascinate him and at 36 he is still adding new languages to his collection. He regularly speaks and has his own blog encouraging people to learn new languages.

At school we were taught, French, German and Latin and I didn’t feel that I did very well at any of them; although I loved the ancient history stuff that we covered in Latin. I seem to remember being taught that if you didn’t get languages at school then there was no real hope for you as an adult learner. Dr Kathleen Taylor states “The brain is plastic and continues to change, not in getting bigger but allowing for greater complexity and understanding.” So we have the capacity but it seems our adult brains are often underused. Many people feel they have learnt enough and become experts in their field, for others it is just too scary to learn something new.

Fear is a barrier to adults learning something new. Adults are generally much more concerned with getting it right first time and over-thinking the process. As a child, we would repeat the action till we got it wrong, then we would be encouraged to pick ourselves up and start again. If we fell off the bike, it didn’t mean we could not ride a bike, it simply meant we needed to practise more. We don’t often apply this same principle as adults, getting it wrong = failure and we translate this to mean that we are no good at said activity. It is a good job we do not teach this to children or they would never learn to walk, talk or use the toilet! It seems to make sense to try a more child-like approach to learning – try till you fail, then try again, have fun while you’re doing it and celebrate the success.

 

As a teacher I discovered a love of learning and knew I wanted to use more of my time to develop new skills. Since leaving teaching I have started a creative writing course, I am using an app to learn Italian and in response to some family health issues I am broadening my recipe repertoire and cooking outside of my comfort zone. I’ve realised too that learning is bigger than this, it is not just a stage of life but I believe something that makes up ‘the good life.’ It opens new doors, encourages new relationships, it keeps us flexible and deepens our understanding of the world and others.

What are you learning or would you like to learn?

What holds you back from learning new things?

Become a Player!

 ‘You discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.’ Plato.

Over the summer I read a book called ‘Wired to Create’. This is an exploration of the idea that as humans we are all creative and that there are ways of helping us access that creativity in our lives. I was very surprised to find the quotation from Plato as a starting point for creativity and that playing had its own chapter in the book.

As a reader I was encouraged to think back to childhood games where my imagination was free and there were no boundaries in exploration. At my primary school we were very privileged to have an area of woodland where we could go during break-times. I can remember whiling away many hours creating dens, collecting conkers and variations of hide & seek. It seems odd to think of playing as an adult, although in my family it is a common occurrence to take part in board games. Growing up we had a family ritual of playing board games after Sunday lunch. My dad and brother continue to enjoy strategy board games and regularly host game nights in their homes.

More recently, I have experienced the joy of discovering and participating in the play-times of a nearly three-year-old. His excitement at chase in the park, hide & seek, making various vehicles go through tunnels or over ramps is infectious. Even mundane and everyday tasks become events to be celebrated. At a recent visit (during toilet-training) he rushed in beaming, to declare ‘I’ve done a wee in the toilet!’ Whilst I am not suggesting we should adopt this response to our own bodily functions there is I think something to be gained by trying to see activities in our lives in a more playful state of mind.

Sadly our culture values busyness, results and meeting targets - play cannot co-exist in these kinds of parameters. Yet psychologists are saying that playing has a positive impact in our lives; in our relationships it unlocks openness and intimacy. Play can heal hurts and resentments and it builds trust and intimacy. It also has huge benefits for creativity as play allows for an openness to new things, problem solving and it’s fun! I think there are barriers to being playful; we may fear embarrassment or ridicule. Some people may even think that the idea of adults playing is childish but a child at play is one who is creating, inventing and learning – who doesn’t want that?

As part of my preparation for writing this I listened to the TED talk of Dr Stuart Brown (no relation). I would recommend it, here is the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHwXlcHcTHc

He ends his talk by encouraging people not just to set aside time for play but to lead more playful lives so that playing actually becomes incorporated into everyday activities. As he was saying this I was thinking back to my earlier post ‘A balancing act?’ and found myself wondering if play is the answer to creating that sense of balance. It has also caused me to question what a playful life looks like and how can I become a Player of Life rather than fighting or fumbling my way through it.

As the weekend approaches I plan to think more on this, but more than that I intend to find time to play! Become a Player – go on, try it!

The ‘I’ we avoid

This week I have had to say goodbye to some special friends. We’ve known each other for over 10 years and they are off to start an exciting adventure on the other side of the world. One of the things that they have endeavoured to do well before they leave is to say goodbye. What I mean by this is that they have taken the time to meet with those who are important to them and share in the act of saying goodbye – they have shared their hearts and honoured their friends. In so doing they have called out the characteristics of individuals and memories shared that have brought joy to them which honours the person and the relationship. It has made me reflect on how I would want to be seen, how I want to be remembered by those who know me.

Having read an article this morning about the atrocities going on in Aleppo I was challenged to think about my own integrity. Christians are being tortured, raped and killed simply because they will not reject the beliefs they hold dear. They continue to stand for what they believe in despite the cruelty threatened and waged against them. It makes for uncomfortable reading; I am helpless to act on their behalf and the situation they find themselves in is so alien to me and yet I am challenged to think of my own standing. Does my life reflect the beliefs that are precious to me? Even in the last few days, I was asked a question that I didn’t want to answer for fear of having an awkward conversation or being rejected. Inside I am kicking myself – the fears are unfounded and I lost an opportunity to represent myself fully.

There is no Greek word for integrity, but this does not mean that the concept had no relevance to the Ancient philosophers. Aristotle emphasises the importance of consistency is a person’s character and actions. If this is all integrity is I’m not sure I fully subscribe to this definition. Some people have argued that by this kind of definition you can have a sociopath with integrity – one that is true to their sociopathic nature. When we call for more transparency in politics and long for our politicians to show integrity, I don’t think we are hoping that if they are liars they will be more consistent in their lying, we attach a measure of morality and virtue to integrity.

An online dictionary defines integrity in the following two ways:

1. The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.

2. The state of being whole and undivided

I really like this second definition, for me it suggests that integrity starts from within. If I am at war with myself then I will not be able to be honest or virtuous externally. It is fear that prevents me from being true to myself; fear of rejection. When I lack integrity, I am diminished in some way and therefore I am not flourishing.

Much of what is gained through integrity; trust, inner peace, serving as a role model are all things that Aristotle extols as virtues in and of themselves. Perhaps then, integrity is a by-product of living the good life.

What do you think it means to have integrity?
How important is it to be a person of integrity?
How do you think integrity can be developed?

"Friendship is like peeing in your pants...

...Everyone can see it but only you can feel the warm feeling inside." (Anon)

There were so many excellent ideas that definitely caused me to think about what it means to be happy and have a flourishing life. This week though I’ve been totally caught up with the impact of friendship and what this means for our lives to flourish. A couple of you did mention the importance of time with friends and how friends have taught you about happiness and flourishing.

Last week I saw ‘Bad Moms’ at the cinema – I was just expecting some fun escapism, which for the most part it was but it also had some things to say about friendship that got me thinking.

We seem to create our closest friends through school, college and university and I realised the importance of being known for such a long time when my mum died. Death is very unsettling and without fully realising it I felt very insecure. Having friends who had known me and my mum really made a difference. The sense of life continuing and the feeling of being known was so essential at that time.

I currently live in a town where many of the people I have met have grown up here and stayed. This feels like an alien concept to me and I often wonder what it is like to hang out with the people who knew you when you started your first day at school, learned to ride a bike, had your first kiss and now they see you bringing up your own kids.

In the film, there are a group of mums who clearly know each other and hang out together and then there are the misfits those who are judged because their life-style doesn’t meet the expectations of the other mums. Of course, the misfits join together and a significant bond is created because ultimately life has been running along and each has become lonely in their own life.

It surprised me to discover that Aristotle advocated friendship. He believed that friendship was foundational for cities to thrive and for real community to exist. He categorised three kinds of friendship but the most important friend was described by him as ‘those who wish the good of their friends for their friends’ sake who are friends in the fullest sense, since they love each other for themselves and not accidentally.’

Friendship seems harder as I’ve got older. It’s easy to neglect and take for granted friendships of the past but their value is priceless. Lives that once ran in parallel through school or university have diverted to follow careers, marriage, kids. Sometimes it can feel like you’re starting the friendship all over again, but there is richness there from shared memories. Past joys and pain blend and bind the times apart and as a result, intimacy blossoms.

Moving in new circles requires some kind of ‘breaking in’ to forge new relationships where ones already exist. Aristotle writes that the ingredients for true friendship are time and intimacy. Sometimes it is frustrating that these do not happen more quickly. Aristotle himself would warn against this but in our time-poor culture are we taking the time to cultivate these intimate relationships? Whilst friendship cannot be manufactured, there are lessons that can be learned and it seems odd that we rarely receive any teaching on how to be a friend.

How vital is friendship to your flourishing?

What lessons have you learned about friendship?

What lessons would you pass on?

A Balancing Act?

Thank you so much to those of you who have shared your thoughts about what happiness or flourishing means to you. Sorry that many of you have had problems commenting on the actual blog – it seems you need to be connected to one of their systems.

I don’t know if there are Aristotle fans out there but you clearly are an intelligent bunch – much of what you shared falls into Aristotle’s four key areas for a flourishing life:

Physical – nourishment, exercise, rest

Emotional – Giving and receiving love

Social – Relationships that allow for trust, sharing and fun

Rational – time to pursue knowledge, reflect, express and create

Finding a ‘work-life balance’ is a buzz-word phrase of the moment and I’m beginning to think a rather misleading one. There are a number of implications that I don’t think I’m happy with. For example, there’s a negativity attached to the work side of the equation. We are pretty negative when it comes to work in our society – we celebrate Fridays and bemoan Mondays. The phrase also implies a strong separation between the two which again is not a true reflection of life for many people. Work may be the

Millstone around your neck, but it doesn’t have to be. For many people work is a joy and it allows them to reflect who they truly are. Work situations become a matter of choice either you find joy in what you do or something needs to change – it might be your attitude to the work or the job itself.

It has been interesting for me shifting from a resources rich/time poor situation to a limited resources/time rich one. This requires a realignment of priorities and choices that fits more with the idea of life being like a puzzle than the concept of balancing one thing against another. I have spent time over the summer considering how I am going to cope with the changes that more time brings. How am I going to structure my day? My week? It has been challenging – there are all sorts of distractions and all sorts of voices that would impact on this new adventure. But, if I think about it, the same was true in teaching – there were still choices to be made about how to create a life that was worth getting up for.

A number of people in my life are in similar positions – some have changed their job situation, others have a brand new life to take care of and others are facing the ‘empty nest’. Life is constantly changing. Each time is an opportunity to create balance, to chase after what is good. I’m still finding my way – it helps to consider Aristotle’s four areas (I think he missed one, more on that another time) and I find it helpful to write – there is a technique known as ‘free-writing’ where you write without editing your thoughts, the words are simply allowed to flow out of you. I am learning that I set myself high expectations – unrealistic ones. I love a ‘to do’ list and I am making weekly ones to set myself goals. I also love a sense of achievement (ticking the ‘to do’ list!) Already these lists have incomplete or non-started jobs on, but I am also learning that this is ok.

What are your thoughts about ‘work-life balance’?

What are your tips for bringing balance into your life?

What areas of your life do you feel need realignment at the moment?

Thrive, don't just survive

I’m not an expert in philosophy or how to live a good life but I find the idea fascinating. There’s so much out there in the world that is vying for our attention and is trying to convince us that their idea or their product is the answer to what makes a good life. Less people are simply asking the question and having the conversation.

This is what I’m hoping to do with this blog – to have a conversation – I guess this starts with myself but I’m hoping you’ll join in.

Starting afresh with no paid work and no one creating deadlines for me feels like being given a fresh start, a clean slate. A few weeks in and I’m beginning to realise that’s not fully the case – there’s still housework to do, errands to run, people to see, but now I have so many more choices and one of the things that I want to explore is how to do this well. How am I going to live the good life as a writer, a wife, a friend, in my family, my church, my local community? I’m hoping that perhaps some of these questions resonate with you and we can explore the answers together.

The Greek philosopher Aristotle had some ideas about how to a live a good life. He used the word ‘eudaimonia’ which is tricky to translate into English – sometimes it gets translated ‘happiness’ which is a little misleading as this could be associated with hedonism but Aristotle meant more than this and a better definition is ‘flourishing’. This is an odd word and not one we tend to use about ourselves. An on-line dictionary defined it as ‘developing rapidly and successfully, thriving’. Aristotle believed that the desire to flourish is within each one of us.

There are many things that encompass a life, some of which I hope to consider in later posts. If I were to think of one thing that is holding me back from flourishing at the moment it would be fear. Starting this process of writing is such a break away from the routine of a school term and planning lessons and marking. The unknown quality of this new way of life is daunting as is actually writing words that I hope someone will want to read. There is a lot of self-doubt and questioning going on in my mind on a regular basis but I am learning to push through the fear fog. I am reminding myself that when I look back on my life I do not want to have a long list of ‘what if’s…’ and I certainly don’t want writing to be something I miss out on.

As I’ve been watching the recent series of Bake Off I’ve noticed that we can visibly see some of them going through their own versions of self-doubt. It’s one of the things that I think as an audience draws us in. We recognise the anxiety and then rejoice in their delight when the bake or the flavours receive praise. I have been impressed by Val, who perhaps has not been the greatest baker and has been criticised for always having an answer to the questions or reactions of Mary & Paul, but she stands her ground. She rarely apologises for what she has done and she takes responsibility for the things that work and the things that don’t but the highs and the lows do not diminish her as a person. She recognises the opportunity that she has been given and goes for it. This is the attitude I want to adopt.

Another way ‘eudaimonia’ has been translated is to mean ‘well being’  - this seems to be one of the buzz words of the moment – just showing that these ideas don’t go away, that we are still asking the same questions and wanting that good life for ourselves.

So, what do you think? What one thing would make it easier to flourish in your life at the moment? What are the ways that you try to make flourishing a reality in your life?

New Beginnings

I have recently embarked upon a new ‘chapter’ in my life; having left a full-time job as a teacher, I am exploring my potential as a writer. Hence the decision to have a go at writing a blog – something that fills me with fear and apprehension – still it has been said that you should do something you fear everyday.

As I teacher, I taught philosophy, ethics and religious studies – the question and answers to what is a good life fascinates me and I hope to explore some of these with you as I too explore what it means to pursue the Good Life.

The question of how to live a good life was the focus for many philosophers and many arrived at different conclusions as to how, or even if, this could be achieved. Whether we ask this of ourselves as a specific question or not, it is often what drives us in our daily choices and activities. How we go about answering it may depend on our definition of ‘good’ – for many this has meant ‘ethical’ and for others, ‘happy’.