Saving the best for last?

These sudden ends of time must give us pause.   

We fray into the future, rarely wrought

Save in the tapestries of afterthought.

More time, more time. Barrages of applause   

Come muffled from a buried radio.

The New-year bells are wrangling with the snow.

Year’s End by Richard Wilbur

Considering the inevitability of it, it is strange that death is seldom a topic of conversation. We seem to have a strange relationship with time; we frequently complain that we never have enough, yet when it comes to preparing for death we think we have all the time in the world.

This year seems to have been punctuated with a number of unexpected deaths. From the well-loved and famous to the anonymous lives taken in hatred and fear through war and terrorism, this litany of loss has put death on my mind a number of times this year.

When death occurs it is seen as an appropriate time to speak about the person who has died; their accomplishments, memories and personal affirmations. I wonder how often the people making these declarations made them clear to the person when they were alive.

It has become common to speak of a ‘bucket list’ and there are now books to inspire you with things to do, see and places to visit before you die. Perhaps there are acts that one regrets on one’s death bed – it’s widely recognised that ‘spending more time at the office’ is not one. I wonder what a bucket list of things you want to say would look like. I realise that it is scary to tell someone how you really feel about them. It’s easier to say something prosaic, rather than an individual compliment or a personal affirmation. A recent TED talk that I listened to described how two sisters decided to embrace difficult truths in order to face a painful operation and their mortality.* As a result their relationship was transformed and they reached a greater intimacy. It was challenging and inspiring.

In class, pupils would discuss the benefits and concerns of euthanasia (as part of their learning about medical ethics). The discussions were often heated and I would tell them that it was highly likely that they might be the first generation that would influence the law on this issue. If that is the case, maybe we all have a responsibility to talk more about death. Not just the practical or ethical details but things that we want to do and say before death takes away our opportunity to do so.

Growing up we had a number of things that were for ‘best’ rather than everyday – a best dinner-set, table cloth, or an outfit for example. New things would be bought and saved until the thing they were replacing truly fell apart. It was as if we were saving the best for last. It sometimes seems that we take this attitude to sharing those important things with the ones we love. We save them up for such a time – sometimes a wedding but more often than not it becomes their funeral. Why do we do this? Surely it is so much more meaningful to share those memories, those affirmations when the person at the centre of these words is there to hear it.

I don’t want to save the best for last. I want to savour the good now. I want to try and be braver; to be more thankful and truthful with those who connect with my life before it’s too late.

 * TED talk

Present Your Presence

 

It’s really nearly Christmas! There’s still time though to scurry around for the last gift or the extra roll of wrapping paper you were sure you wouldn’t need. Presents seem to present an extra stress; some people are so difficult to buy for, others just ask for money but it somehow feels wrong just handing over an envelope rather than a wrapped gift.

One of the early chapters of the book I’ve been reading, (‘What Matters Most?’ by Brian Draper), focuses on the art of being. As I’ve read it on the run-up to Christmas it has caused me to consider the best present we can give one another is our presence. It’s so easy to get caught up in the activities of Christmas that we can miss being present with one another.

This isn’t just about turning up. It is an active seeking to be there with the person or people. No phones, no gadgets, no distractions. An emptying of oneself in order to see the fullness of the other person. It requires me to let go of my agenda, of my need to be heard and seen and instead to truly see you. That’s hard. So often insecurities surface, the need for approval surpasses my ability to just be with you.

A friend of ours has recently been bereaved and Christmas will not be the same without her dad’s presence. It’s so easy to take family and friends for granted; to wish away cramped gatherings and boisterous meal times but it’s their presence we’re really there for isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong – I love presents – ‘gifts’ is one of my top love languages* but I know if had to choose, I’d want your presence rather than your presents every single time.

Since leaving teaching I have developed some regular routines to be with people. Initially there was a powerful urge to want to do something in that time. I wanted to be able to achieve something for that person, perhaps through practical help or advice. I have struggled to ‘be’ rather than to ‘do’ even when I have proactively tried to focus on being present with them. However, there have also been small glimpses of being more aware and more connected. I want to live here more.

Small things can help us to feel more present – I have participated in a mindfulness exercise where you focus on a raisin. Using all your different senses you observe the raisin, concluding with taste. I will be honest and tell you that I didn’t find this particularly helpful – I was mostly trying not to laugh! Animals can help us feel more present. When Watson is cuddly, I am reluctant to get on with my next task, I want to savour the moment, his softness. The other morning he smelled of chocolate hobnobs (no idea why) and all morning I would take a moment to breathe in the chocolatey scent. Animals simply are. The challenge then is to be present with people and my environment. Christmas is a stressful and emotional time but if I allow myself to be held back by past hurts or worried about the future, I miss out on this present.

What are the moments in your life when you have felt ‘present’?

How can we be more present in our lives?

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and the joy of knowing greater presence in your life.

Telling Tales

A Christmas letter, an open house - both ideal for reflecting back on another year having passed. I was invited to an open house this week. I only knew the person hosting, but people were very willing to chat and listen. It soon became an opportunity for learning, as one lady was struggling to find a present for her son and daughter-in-law. Immediately, others in the room were sharing their suggestions and previous successes with past ideas. A solution was found that satisfied the needs of the lady and I felt warmed by the willingness of strangers to offer their help and advice.

It’s sad to think that there are many who will not have the chance to share their stories of the past year. As adults it seems we forget our love for and even our need for storytelling. A couple of years ago we went up to the Edinburgh Festival and I involved myself in a little project – to interview people that passed me on the street. I had a number of questions designed to allow people, (if they wanted) to share some of their Story with me. I hadn’t expected to be so moved or feel so privileged that people would share their greatest fears, their saddest moments and successes with me, a total stranger. Everyone has a story.  At Christmas when we gather with friends we have not seen for a while and extended family members it seems an ideal time to share some of those stories.

My husband volunteers for a phone help-line and so often the caller just needs someone to listen to their story. We can be so quick to relate a tale to our own lives or offer advice, when most often all that is needed is a listening ear.

In other cultures storytelling is at the heart of community, and I guess we have a sense of this with Nativity plays, pantomimes and our favourite Christmas films but the idea of sharing our own story with one another seems to be lost. I have never celebrated a Thanksgiving, but I like the idea of sharing something that you are thankful for – I wonder if this ever develops from a simple word into little stories of thanksgiving. This year could be the time for a new Christmas tradition – the opportunity for each person you’re with to share something about this last year that is meaningful for them.

At the heart of Christmas is a story. It gets re-told in so many ways that we may feel an over-familiarity with it. These adaptations of the Biblical accounts give us the big picture but I wonder what you would discover if you were to look at the events from the perspective of just one character. What would it have been like to be a shepherd; hearing the message of the angels, being the first to see the baby? How about a wise man – would they have had doubts about where they were going and what they were doing? How would it have felt to be an angel travelling to earth to broadcast the birth of the baby? The innkeeper’s inconvenience, the scandal of Mary’s pregnancy, the commitment of Joseph to protect Mary and Jesus are all aspects that it is easy to gloss over.

This Christmas there is an opportunity; once the presents are unwrapped and the dinner lies heavy in your tummy to be both a storyteller and a listener. Everybody has a story, sometimes they need encouragement to speak it out but often we all gain from hearing about the experiences of others.

There are no questions this week, instead I’m inviting you to share something from this past year that has meant something to you. It may be a challenge you have overcome, something or someone you are thankful for, a success, a sadness – anything that has importance for you.

Naughty or Nice?

“He's making a list,
And checking it twice,
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town!”

Who’s been naughty? Who’s been nice? Questions we might ask small children around this time of year. This perpetuates the idea that those who have been good will be rewarded and those who haven’t won’t and satisfies our desire for justice.  But I reckon it would be pretty hard to work out – naughty and nice sounds like opposite ends of the spectrum but people rarely live in extremes. So how would you do it? Weigh up the good vs. the bad and see which ‘pile’ is bigger? Would it simply be a case of numbers – more nice acts win over less naughty ones? Would the consequences or the motivation matter? Sounds tricky to me, glad I’m not Father Christmas!

It has made me think about actions and in what way these make up the whole of our life-style. Is the good life simply one full of good habits? We may describe someone as a generous person.  Are we just describing their generous actions or is there something more fundamental which turns generous actions into a generous person?

Christmas is traditionally a time when our goodwill extends to ‘all men’, which sounds great and I know a lot of people act on this during the run-up to Christmas.

As I have perused Facebook recently there seems to be a lot of goodwill being extended; a friend is considering how she may better serve her neighbourhood, another is working with a group to handout food baskets to people struggling to make ends meet, and others are following the Bible Society’s Advent challenge, which gives three activities each day that focus on being generous and spreading goodwill.

I however, experienced my own inner Scrooge last weekend, as I admit to feeling rather badgered and overwhelmed by volunteers shaking buckets, clipboards being waved at me and seeing homeless people prop themselves up by cash-points down the centre of the city. It’s not that I think these people are undeserving of my help but my primary feeling was one of guilt rather than joy at being able to offer my money or help.

It has made me consider the relationship between our actions, our habits and our character. A friend recently asked me if it is possible to change. I responded with a definite ‘Yes!’ but it strikes me that some things are easier to change than others. Over the last few months changes have occurred, new habits have been formed but I have been frustrated that there are some habits that have not integrated themselves into my lifestyle. This has left me questioning, why some and not others? Time is an obvious limitation but are there other universal limitations? Is it possible that regardless of the hope of reward a child will always be more naughty than nice?

Aristotle believes that “Excellence is an art won by training and habituation….We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” Perhaps some changes take more time – 21 days is often put forward as the magic number of days but I have done some research and others say it can take anywhere between 18 – 254 days – so there’s still time!

Is there a direct correlation between our actions and our character?

How strongly do you agree with Aristotle that ‘we are what we repeatedly do.’?

What helps you create change in your life?

Letting go

Letting go is a phrase often used in relation to difficult situations where we need to let go of a relationship or perhaps a person in order to move on. It has struck me recently that perhaps we need to learn the art of letting go in smaller areas or less obvious areas of our lives.

Up until a week ago I had dyed red hair. The decision to cut it all off was in response to a number of pressures I was feeling. About a month ago, after my birthday, I was thinking about the future and the next birthday - a significant one. The pressure to stay young and beautiful is immense. Our society seems to have one answer about how to deal with the changes your body goes through as you age and that is to do all you can to stop it and slow it down. This solution does not touch the heart of the issue; to keep my value and sense of worth regardless of what I look like. Society places a high value on physical beauty even though we are all too aware that this will fade. I decided to go for a drastic hair-cut; grey hairs showing, no locks to hide behind. I don’t know how I will feel about the grey in the weeks and months to come. It is highly likely I will give in to the pressure to cover up in order to be acceptable but I wanted to do something to show the internal letting go of society’s conventions about beauty.

Two people have recently discussed with me Alicia Keys’ decision not to wear make-up in photo-shoots. Many have found her decision ‘brave’, as again the pressure to cover up flaws and enhance our assets is huge. Some have criticised her for being ‘anti-make-up’ but this seemed to be missing her point, as she responds, “I don't want to feel beholden—to have to do it.” (Alicia Keys)

During a fortnight when I have been encouraging teenagers to value themselves and be true to who they are, I have felt challenged to consider what this means for myself. It is so easy to get caught up in the ‘way things are’ without questioning the effects or thinking about if this is truly who I want to be.

Another area that I have felt challenged to ‘let go’ is in my wardrobe. Since leaving work I had got rid of very few ‘work clothes’, telling myself to just ‘see how it goes’. As I have been reading ‘What Matters Most?’ by Brian Draper, I have been reflecting on the things in my life that I give value to, that actually do not have any real significance. I realised that I put some kind of security in the idea of having a variety of clothes. So I’ve had a big clear out freeing up drawers and wardrobe space – and the plan is not to re-stock! I’m trying to build up the courage to tackle shoes!!

As autumn has turned to winter, the natural world is doing the same; the trees are letting go of their leaves in order that something new may come. With the New Year approaching and this being the typical time of change and resolution I wonder if the season of Advent is meant in part to be a season of letting go. This could then allow us to make room for the changes and newness that the New Year will bring.