Be More Columbo

Back in November I wrote a post about learning and how this is an integral part of living the good life. At the time I had started learning Italian, reading books about writing and trying out new recipes. Now with my two major writing projects underway, these other projects have fallen by the wayside. An outing with children caused me to re-think my priorities with learning.

I was out with a friend and her children earlier in the week. She is home-schooling them and so each activity is turned into an adventure for learning. A walk to and from the park was filled with questions and imaginings; we discovered the place where the fox met the mouse (in the Gruffalo), we compared what streets are like in two different countries, searched for mushrooms, named wildflowers and helped a spy baby (a doll) make contact with her spy boss. The experience made me think how natural my friend is at drawing out the curiosity and creativity of her children.

As adults we question far less. Some would say this is the result of parents and teachers telling us to stop asking so many questions. Richard Saul Wurman (the original creator of TED conference) says ‘In school we’re rewarded for having the answer, not for asking a good question.’ There might be other reasons that people stop questioning; laziness, fear of looking weak and ignorant and the desire to succeed overwhelming our desire to finish well. As I write, I am aware that I have succumbed to all three.

Philosophers are those who do not tire of asking questions; ‘Philosophy may be defined as the art of asking the right question…’ Heschel. It was Socrates, the father of Western Philosophy, who believed that questions were both the beginning and the end of all learning. He taught others, his most famous pupil being Plato, through the art of questioning. These were not just any questions but those that would pursue thought in many directions and for many purposes. This has become known as Socratic questioning and has been adopted in education and psychology as a tool for gaining insight into the world and ourselves. 

When we stop asking questions one of the consequences is that we fill the gaps of knowledge with assumptions. We make assumptions about the world, but worse than that, we make assumptions about people. Strangers become little more than stereotypes and we diminish our nearest and dearest by not using our words to unravel more of who they are. Instead we begin to create them in our own image.

If successful businesses are those that rely on questioning innovators then perhaps good lives are those spent being questioning listeners? Those who dare to ask the difficult questions because they recognise this is the path to greater truth and awareness. I don’t like asking questions of others, I fear putting them on the spot. I think that if you want to tell me, you will. Maybe that’s true, but maybe I miss out on discovering more of who you are because I have made a choice for you. I have decided that there are parts of your life that you want to remain hidden rather than simply asking you the question. It is a challenge to consider whether I’m prepared to risk having my curiosity rejected or pursue a deeper truth about you.

My favourite TV detective Columbo was forever asking questions, from the seemingly irrelevant to the downright indelicate. Perhaps it is time we also resolved to ask just ‘one more thing.’

Finding Your Voice

As I have immersed myself into writing, I have found that many writing advisers put forward ways to help emerging authors to find their voice. One of the obvious ways is ‘simply’ to write. This can be done once you have overcome the fear of the blank page, your internal editor “Don’t write that!” and found a topic or story that you feel compelled to write. It all sounds so easy, yet the practise alternates between sluggish sentences and whirlwinds of notions fighting for their space on the page.

For me the process has involved more than just a discovery of my writing style (and that is still developing.) There has also been an uncovering. This has been an internal peeling of layers; finding out what is important and a greater sense of who I am. Not all of it has been pleasant and much of it has centred on voices - whose voices am I listening to? Am I allowing my voice to be heard? Which voices will I choose to follow?

The three most helpful activities that have helped me through this process are finding time for silence, talking with trusted friends and making writing a regular discipline. There are so many voices filling up the spaces of our lives. Thanks to social media, everyone now has their opportunity to share. It is in the silence that I able to fully reconnect with myself and to the One who created me. It has been so precious to have regular times connecting with friends who know and love me. This blog came out of the decision to write regularly and to set myself a weekly deadline. Nine months later, I am revising my first non-fiction book and working on the voices of my characters for my novel.

It is not just writers who need to find their voice, we all do. To find and accept those passions that make us unique. To dig deep inside and discover the gold that lies within. Each one of us has it. Each one of us has value to bring to our families, friends and communities. So often our voice remains a whisper. When it does, people don’t hear it and we run the risk of being ignored, overlooked or shouted over. Your voice deserves to be heard. Not more than any other voice, but we need to hear yours.

When you’re aware that the other person in a conversation is wearing shoes or even boots because your words are being trampled on, your voice is not being heard. It’s the indecision between saying what you really think and saying what you are expected to say. It’s being sure that even if you come across as a selfish slob, you are not one. All too often I fear my voice will be too loud, too demanding or misunderstood. I am learning to recognise that even among the millions of voices vying for attention; mine has the right to be heard. So does yours.

It might help to ask yourself “Where am I holding back?” “In what instances am I biting my tongue and then regretting doing so?” “Where could I speak up a bit more?” You may think you are only one small voice, but lone small things DO make a difference. A lit candle in the darkness, impacts upon ALL the darkness not just the area closest to its glow. The darkness is changed by the light of one flame.

The Heart of the Matter

‘Love isn’t a memory. It’s so much more than that. Love is a world of it’s own that lives in the heart not the head.’ (Spencer, Criminal Minds)

During Mental Health Awareness week I came across a questionnaire by the Mental Health Foundation for assessing a person’s mental health. It was a series of statements that required a response as to how much you agreed with that statement over the last two weeks. Two of the statements in the questionnaire are ‘I’ve been feeling useful’ and ‘I’ve been feeling close to other people’. The isolation that comes from not feeling these two statements is deep and all too common.

We live in communities, physically close but failing to truly connect. Recent experiences of tube travel etiquette demonstrated this reality to me. The carriage becomes more and more crowded but interaction with fellow passengers is to be avoided at all costs. All too often we carry ourselves around protecting our inner selves with fake smiles, make-up and busyness while our inner-self wanders through life unsatisfied, cold and alone.

It’s great that so many are breaking the silence that surrounds mental health. It’s even better when someone struggling with their mental health is able to say so and is met with a response of love and acceptance. These declarations often occur once the individual is feeling robust. Their self-disclosure happens on a ‘good’ day when they feel that can deal with the responses that may come their way. What about the less good days? What about the ‘mean reds’? Many who suffer from depression or anxiety say that accepting them for who they are in their suffering makes a huge difference.

The quotation from Criminal Minds was part of a conversation between a mother and a son discussing her Alzheimers. The mother is worried that soon she will not remember her love for her son. He responds to her worries. Spencer’s conclusion is that love lives in the heart not the mind so their love will be unaffected by Alzheimers. All too often we feed on the stuff going on in our minds rather than on the truths and experiences of our hearts.

Our human experience is often a litany of hurts, rejections and failures. As children we learn the rhyme ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’. The truth is often the words do greater and longer lasting damage than sticks or stones could ever do. Our words and actions have a profound impact. Having read the responses of some who regularly suffer from mental health problems, it was encouraging to learn that regular responses of love, understanding and acceptance did make a difference.

We have an amazing tool at our disposal – words and acts of love. Enabling another to feel useful, creating a memory and atmosphere of closeness could make a world of difference, not just to those suffering with mental illness but to anyone’s mental wellbeing. It may be a simple as telling someone you are here for them. It could be as grand as planning a special treat for someone. This is not love in a gooey romantic sense but love as Aristotle described it. He said, ‘to love is to will good to another for the other’s sake’.

I plan to keep taking steps towards acts of love for the good of the other. I choose to dwell on the experiences of my heart rather than the doubts and questions of my mind.