Saving the best for last?

These sudden ends of time must give us pause.   

We fray into the future, rarely wrought

Save in the tapestries of afterthought.

More time, more time. Barrages of applause   

Come muffled from a buried radio.

The New-year bells are wrangling with the snow.

Year’s End by Richard Wilbur

Considering the inevitability of it, it is strange that death is seldom a topic of conversation. We seem to have a strange relationship with time; we frequently complain that we never have enough, yet when it comes to preparing for death we think we have all the time in the world.

This year seems to have been punctuated with a number of unexpected deaths. From the well-loved and famous to the anonymous lives taken in hatred and fear through war and terrorism, this litany of loss has put death on my mind a number of times this year.

When death occurs it is seen as an appropriate time to speak about the person who has died; their accomplishments, memories and personal affirmations. I wonder how often the people making these declarations made them clear to the person when they were alive.

It has become common to speak of a ‘bucket list’ and there are now books to inspire you with things to do, see and places to visit before you die. Perhaps there are acts that one regrets on one’s death bed – it’s widely recognised that ‘spending more time at the office’ is not one. I wonder what a bucket list of things you want to say would look like. I realise that it is scary to tell someone how you really feel about them. It’s easier to say something prosaic, rather than an individual compliment or a personal affirmation. A recent TED talk that I listened to described how two sisters decided to embrace difficult truths in order to face a painful operation and their mortality.* As a result their relationship was transformed and they reached a greater intimacy. It was challenging and inspiring.

In class, pupils would discuss the benefits and concerns of euthanasia (as part of their learning about medical ethics). The discussions were often heated and I would tell them that it was highly likely that they might be the first generation that would influence the law on this issue. If that is the case, maybe we all have a responsibility to talk more about death. Not just the practical or ethical details but things that we want to do and say before death takes away our opportunity to do so.

Growing up we had a number of things that were for ‘best’ rather than everyday – a best dinner-set, table cloth, or an outfit for example. New things would be bought and saved until the thing they were replacing truly fell apart. It was as if we were saving the best for last. It sometimes seems that we take this attitude to sharing those important things with the ones we love. We save them up for such a time – sometimes a wedding but more often than not it becomes their funeral. Why do we do this? Surely it is so much more meaningful to share those memories, those affirmations when the person at the centre of these words is there to hear it.

I don’t want to save the best for last. I want to savour the good now. I want to try and be braver; to be more thankful and truthful with those who connect with my life before it’s too late.

 * TED talk