...Everyone can see it but only you can feel the warm feeling inside." (Anon)
There were so many excellent
ideas that definitely caused me to think about what it means to be happy and
have a flourishing life. This week though I’ve been totally caught up with the
impact of friendship and what this means for our lives to flourish. A couple of
you did mention the importance of time with friends and how friends have taught
you about happiness and flourishing.
Last week I saw
‘Bad Moms’ at the cinema – I was just expecting some fun escapism, which for
the most part it was but it also had some things to say about friendship that
got me thinking.
We seem to create our
closest friends through school, college and university and I realised the
importance of being known for such a long time when my mum died. Death is very
unsettling and without fully realising it I felt very insecure. Having friends
who had known me and my mum really made a difference. The sense of life
continuing and the feeling of being known was so essential at that time.
I currently live in a town
where many of the people I have met have grown up here and stayed. This feels
like an alien concept to me and I often wonder what it is like to hang out with
the people who knew you when you started your first day at school, learned to
ride a bike, had your first kiss and now they see you bringing up your own
kids.
In the film, there are a
group of mums who clearly know each other and hang out together and then there
are the misfits those who are judged because their life-style doesn’t meet the
expectations of the other mums. Of course, the misfits join together and a
significant bond is created because ultimately life has been running along and
each has become lonely in their own life.
It surprised me to discover that Aristotle advocated friendship. He believed that friendship was
foundational for cities to thrive and for real community to exist. He
categorised three kinds of friendship but the most important friend was
described by him as ‘those who wish the good of their friends for their
friends’ sake who are friends in the fullest sense, since they love each other
for themselves and not accidentally.’
Friendship seems harder as I’ve
got older. It’s easy to neglect and take for granted friendships of the past
but their value is priceless. Lives that once ran in parallel through school or
university have diverted to follow careers, marriage, kids. Sometimes it can feel like
you’re starting the friendship all over again, but there is richness there from
shared memories. Past joys and pain blend and bind the times apart and as a
result, intimacy blossoms.
Moving in new circles
requires some kind of ‘breaking in’ to forge new relationships where ones
already exist. Aristotle writes that the ingredients for true friendship are
time and intimacy. Sometimes it is frustrating that these do not happen more
quickly. Aristotle himself would warn against this but in our time-poor
culture are we taking the time to cultivate these intimate relationships? Whilst
friendship cannot be manufactured, there are lessons that can be learned and it
seems odd that we rarely receive any teaching on how to be a friend.
How vital is friendship to
your flourishing?
What lessons have you
learned about friendship?
What lessons would you pass
on?
Wow! You have a real gift of writing Suzi. Be encouraged x X
ReplyDeleteFriendship is one area of life where I feel not very qualified to comment, and certainly less able to judge. Few adult friendships are genuinely about flourishing, and I think our time-poor, work-heavy culture forces people to seek that type of friendship (the sharing of something important, if not lots of things, they have in common) in combination with seeking a love-life partner.
ReplyDeleteIn doing so, in my experience, we (i) put incredible strain and intense pressure and high expectations onto our (my) love-life and friends come and go. This is maybe not the best balance of the casual and the vital, in either love-life or friendship.
C.S. Lewis (I think) describes friendship as being "about something", which suggests that friendship is essentially about having something in common (a common pursuit, if you will), and when that thing is gone, the friendship naturally moves on. It can still at some future point pick up immediately from where it was left. Friendship is very valuable, but I think it is the first casualty of our modern, socially mobile lifestyles.
I agree that (new and old) friendship becomes harder as people get older and I think that the patterns/type of friendship stay even as circumstances change. In all honesty, I have probably undervalued past friends and overburdened my love-life, and find friends in the sense that I have, hard to come by. I have not wanted to be needy of friends, and in return nobody would think to call me at 3am (as the saying goes), so I have no doubt failed in some important respects at what it means to be a good friend.
My advice to myself/others would be "be more available". This applies to family as well as friends and would-be friends, and even to people in the street. Who knows when someone might be in need (even with phone apps that give directions..). Is friendship being "on hand", say, as opposed to love being "hand-in-hand"? And why so many people enjoy the company of animals whose need are so simple?
I agree that availability is vital. I read a blog recently about caring less about housework, appearance and the meal and just getting on with making memories and enjoying one another - I wholeheartedly agree with the concept but think our own culture fights against this availability - that in some way this leaves us vulnerable. I remember learning from some friends from 'up North' the spontaneous pleasure that occurs as a result of just calling round on the off-chance that the other person is free. We seem so tied to schedules and making dates that we miss out on spontaneously living life together.
DeletePleased that you mention animals - this may become a future topic!?!
I know that friendship is vital, it can be a pulse that enables us to preserve when things are challenging as well as a spark that radiates pure joy.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that old friendships are harder, for me those that I have known that longest are often the most valuable, they are folk who have sometimes walked with me when I was a mess or I have been allowed to lift them when they had fallen. There is often a muddle of emotions when I catch up with them, a mixture of nerves and excitement but ultimately spending time with folk who have known me and accept me for who I am gives real peace and assurance.
Hey Weezie - thanks for joining in. I totally agree with you about the value of older friendsips - I think perhaps I was expressing (albeit not very well) the difficulty being the 'muddle of emotions' that you mentioned and perhaps having different expectations. But it is as you say the joy of getting beyond that - the being known and acceptance that is so precious.
ReplyDelete