Be kind to yourself

I’m giving a talk to a group of teenagers next week about identity and sexuality – a big subject! As I have sifted through my research, I have come to the conclusion that the one big thing I want them to go away with is – ‘be yourself and be kind.’ This is probably a big ask for them. There are so many pressures on them to conform to whatever the societal standard is, to give themselves a label all in the midst of hormones, exams and probably a hundred other complicated situations and decisions.

But it’s not just teenagers that need to know it’s ok to be themselves, to be kind to themselves and one another - we need it too. There are the pressures on all of us to fulfil the milestones: find the perfect career, the house, the partner, have kids, be financially secure… and within each of those areas are probably other areas of pressure that can cause anxiety and depression.

Even today some of my friends are making a stand against being questioned about decisions in their lives that they feel are private ones. No one wants to be asked when they’re going to settle down or have kids or buy a house. The truth is that we can only be who we are right now. So much external pressure comes from questioning our futures, and really this is out of our control.

On Monday I will be standing in front of over 100 teenagers who will be feeling the pressure to be in a relationship, to text someone a private image of themselves, to identify their sexual orientation, to find their value. I really want them to learn that it is ok to be who they are right now, to be kind with themselves about the issues and questions that they find confusing and to find someone safe that they can talk to. Maybe the particular pressures change slightly as we get older but maybe we still need the same advice.

Sainsbury’s have their ‘Be good to yourself’ range encouraging us to eat things that will nourish our bodies but I think that nourishing our souls (if you don’t like that word, then who you essentially are) is equally important. I wonder how often we do that. I wonder how often we let ourselves off the hook. Rather than trying to rush forwards, I want to focus on ways in which to be more me, right now.

When did you last tell yourself ‘well done’ for something you achieved? Our inner voice is often so negative – you wouldn’t say those things to your friend, why do you tell yourself ‘you’re having a bad hair day’ ‘You can’t do that!’ ‘Your bum definitely looks big in that!’ It’s difficult to be good to ourselves. Perhaps we think it is overly sentimental, too ‘American’ or too arrogant to say good things to ourselves. But the sad thing is many of us have spent a long time soaking up the negative views of others and believing that somehow we are not good enough.

Do not conform but be transformed – we buy into the media hype, the cultural lies and find ourselves drowning in ‘shoulds’, ‘oughts’ and ‘what ifs’ – the alternative is scary, cos the alternative is saying “No” and doing life a different way. It takes courage to go a different way, it takes a change of perspective to let things go and try again, it takes perseverance to believe things will get better. 

 

What pressures are you under to conform?

What words of encouragement could you say to yourself?

What activity would be a kind act to yourself?